✩BROKEN✩DREAMS✩

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I✮Paris bound

Tonight feels like an early September evening when the laughs of playing kids are replaced by the songs of chatting birds. The sky is a clear blue turning grey with the fading sunset. The streets are silent. You can hear the car wheels turn slowly against the asphalt. No voices are to be heard. Just someone preparing the diner. I let the light fade out laying on my bed. I love the twilight. No need for an artificial lamp. Not just yet.
I fell asleep. When I woke up later in total darkness I realized it was only 8p.m. and early spring. Kelly was knocking behind my door. I opened with my eyes half closed. She was already tipsy an open bottle of bubbly in her hand and others tingling in her bag. It was a Wednesday, it was always our night out.
In Paris, the best parties are always on Wednesday, no crowd, just people that can afford to sleep the whole morning on a Thursday. Basically artists, fashionistas, party organizers, celebrities and...well people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead!" and we actually do look a bit like a beautiful couple of vampires.
After a delivery Pizza and three bottles of bubbly we grabbed a cab to cross Paris and step out in front of Montana. That nasty girl at he door was wearing a pair of YSL sandals, I would freeze my toes of. She didn't like us and was always very dry with us, but the others liked us. We made the party start, go and end. We would be in the first one inside, but definitely the first ones to dance. We would chat around with people and give away Kelly's business cards. With time she was famous enough and people were actually asking for her card.
At a certain point of the evening as I was coming back from a cigarette break, walking through the dark boudoir bar, I spotted a familiar face. I took me few minutes to realize it was a famous face, by that time we were chatting. Maya Hudecova was sitting next to me and laughing at my silly jokes. The fact I knew her since my childhood was slowly hitting my brain. A Slovak TV presenter turned actress randomly sat in my favorite club in Paris.
As we were both tipsy, we went don for a dance and actually danced the night away. I even lost Kelly, she took my keys and went to sleep early. Maya invited me to her hotel. We crossed the Seine in the earliest promises of a new day. Boulevard Saint Germain, place de la Concorde, Alma, Plazza. She took me up to her room. I pretended I didn't know what I was doing. Her smile, her face, her long legs. It all made me even more drunk. She was double my age. Her kids were older than me.  I'm gay. No, nothing worked. The power her fame had over me was above all. I wanted her. And I wanted her to be my first woman.
It happened. Slowly and clumsily. Physically it was no better than any other I had. I still was quick. But the feeling I had was unbelievably satisfactory. I wasn't just entering a body or connecting a soul. I was becoming her. I was finally becoming a woman. A mature, beautiful, successful and confident woman. All my senses went crazy and she acted like I made her happy.
After I told her she was my first, she acted a bit strange. Proud but shocked. We cuddled up. On the street just cars started pulsing through the veins of the city and people were taking their morning coffee in the surrounding brasseries and restaurants.
I woke up late for work, she was already out. I took a quick shower, still full of the emotion of what just happened. I went to work, pumped up with an energy drink, hoping a bit of make up would cover my tiredness.
My colleague was mad at me because I made her five minutes late for her lunch date. Oh, Galeries Lafayette, you either love it or hate it. I hated it. Working in retail in general. Sometimes I was lucky enough to have great customers but I have never been a good sales assistant, a service giver rather. And suddenly there she was. She somehow remembered where I worked from our late night drunken conversation. She asked me if I could accompany her for a shopping session. We agreed on the following day.
As she walked away, I finally turned my charging phone on and saw the twenty missed calls from Kelly. No need to call her back as she was walking towards my stand, eyes covered with a gigantic pair of shades and two  Lattes in her hands. She said she thought I was sleeping in the street as after she left the club she was called on by some wealthy guys throwing a private party in some private house in the 7th. She handed me my keys and inquired about my night. She seemed jealous and overtly disgusted but she congratulated me om loosing my virginity.
The day after we went shopping with Maya. We had a great time. Light conversation. Common references. Similar tastes. We spent the rest of  the nights of her week in Paris in her hotel room bed. I was completely under her power. The fact that she turned me into a regular man was priceless for me. She could ask me just anything. As she left for the airport I received an SMS.
I was walking in the blinking lights of Champs-Elysees when I read:
"Move back to Slovakia, for me"
"ASAP!2 was my immediate answer.
A moth later I was on a plane while my belongings were in a van heading to my mom's two bedroom flat. Seven years of my life became a chapter of my past. I was no longer a Parisian. I was once again going to be a Slovak boy.

II✮Homeland

I landed in my hometown on a rainy April day. After reorganizing the leaflets behind the seat by size, I left the cabin, conscious of my nervousness. Nobody was waiting in the hall, everybody is at work on a Wednesday morning. Except Maya.

Maya was waiting for me infront of the airport comfortably seated in her car. She didn't get out, simply ordered me to put my luggage in the trunk. I sat next to her. She was nervous. All happened out of a sudden. Maybe she didn't even want it. Maybe I was too quick.

She brough me home in silence. She entered my mom's flat with me. A luxury lady on  inch heels and face full of botox in a small two bedroom flat where the furniture is a mixture of basic IKEA and inherited peaces my mom collected over the years. It made her smile with satisfaction. It made me understand how inferior I was to her.

"So this is where you're coming from?"

"No, this is where I'm coming to. I didn't grow up here."

And we actually started talking about who we were, where we came from. It was a first conversation. Stories were embellished. We gradually turned into sitting on the sofa side by side her head leaning on my shoulder. We didn't make love that day. We just discovered each other. Like a first secret date. Because everything that was to happen between us from now on was to be kept as a secret.

My mom was on a business trip for another week, so we used her flat as a love nest. All the starry light around Maya disappeared. She was just a woman enjoying being in love. A very posh woman in love. I was playing th housewife, going out for shopping and cooking some French inspired food. It was a lovely teenage story.

The next week real life kicked in. My mom came back home. Maya went back to filmimg some show and I started to work as an assistant stylist on a TV series. Filmimg series in Slovakia is quite concentrated so I was in for a treat until end of august, before the theater season would start again.

Nobody understood why I came back from the far far away land, where everybody imagined me a fashion mogul. I was a sales assistant, but that seemed just enough for everybody. I didn't even tell my mom, my sister and brother or my best friend Anna why I really came back. I pretended I had this offer fot the TV before I even came to Slovakia. All a bunch of lies, in TV I had to say I came back for family reasons...

During the next four months we were all busy with work and catching up seven years of absence. Missed baby births, break ups, new flats, new jobs, new hairstyles, new sexualities.I tried to keep up with my friends but I wanted to spend more time with Maya. After all, I came here for her. As soon as it was possible we would go on a weekend somewhere in Austria or Hungaria, not far away, but far enough to shake off the celebrity seekers. She was affraid of ruining her career and her reputation and hurting her family. So nobody had to know. At work and at home I was gay, so nobody would have a doubt and we never met each other family members.

However, with working for a TV, I did yet again met a lot of people and the attraction of going out clubbing was quite big. Having fun in the hot nights and walking the streets of Bratislava just before the summer sunrise. Soon came back my addiction to cocaine. I was clean for a year before leaving Paris. It didn't bother her, as she liked it too. It somehow touches the personality. I wonder if she was full of it when we met. How would I have acted if I was taking it when we met? Some of our weekends turned into a champagne and cocaine rides in hotel rooms. As if she waited all the time for me to adhere to this lifestyle and then show her true personality. A party girl.

We started going on shopping sprees to Milan or London, where my coming with her was more official. I earned the status of her personal stylist and we would wipe out the clubs in those fashion capitals.

I didn't mind the secrecy, it was quite romantic and then, nobody else knew, right?

By september we had finally more time for each other. I started accompanying her for eventsas her stylist and I quickly became notorious. By the end of September, we went on a secret holiday to a little French village where we couldn't be bothered by anyone. We would spend our days in a cottage eating amazing local food, brething fresh air, snuggling and kissing. We spent some nights out in Aix-en-Provence to keep the party pace.

When we got back, people from the business were suspicious. We just told everyone we needed a detox. Then few days later Maya came to me with a request:

"Darling, Kamil was bothering me for quite while with you and him hanging out for shopping. I think it's a really good idea. I mean think of your career!"

For a while  all the girls from TV new I was the best partner for shoppping and Kamil asked me before, but I always politely refused him. He wass one of the main characters of the show I was working on and furthemore, one of the hottest male celebrities in Slovakia. To add to it all, he was gay. There was a bit of tension between us and I didn't want to scratch it.

"Do you think it's a good idea to go shopping with the biggest gay playboy around?"

"It's just shopping! And he loves the way you dress!"

"Well, allright then. I will call him up!"

"Great, make sure you let me know where and where you'll go!"

"Sure, whatever..."

 III✮Celebrity skin

Early October, one of the days you actually feel like if it was still summer, I went on a shopping spree with Kamil. Although I've been working with him for few moths already, being alone with him felt quite intimidating. He's slightly taller than me and definitely more muscular. For once I was the one running around someone with my short legs.

It was a nice afternoon, full of worthless conversations that mean the world. Worse than what I expected, we were a fit. Same taste in music. Same ideas about life and ambitions. Same perception of love. Although I thought he was a regular heart throb, he was just this shy guy hoping to be loved and to love in return.

By the end of the day I was constantly blushing. All along the afternoon he would randomly open the fitting cabin and show off his perfectly structured torso and even showing me his favorite knickers that were hiding my favorite candy stick. Actually not hiding much more than the natural color of it.

After a hard work he treated me to a nice diner. We were laughing all through it just feeling light and being silly. You know, like when you feel  like you can easily breathe in someones presence. I could talk with him about everything. Except about the truth about my relationship with Maya.

Once we finished diner, he proposed to accompany me home in his car.

Just before we got to the car he stopped me. I saw he was embarrassed and had difficulties finding his words:

"What's wrong Kamil?"

"It's hard for me to say it out loud."

"Please, go on, you can definitely talk to me after Today!"

"Well, look, I really like you!"

An idea. An unstoppable idea came to my head. This is all organised by Maya. She just wants to take the attention from us and give the papparazzis some material to think I am with Kamil. They were probably clicking pictures of us all day.

"Oh, I get it now. But it's okay, there is probably no one around anymore. They got their deal of us together already."

"What are you talking about? I really mean it. I like you a lot."

"So what, you want to kiss me? I mean, you probably deserve at least that for having to spend the day with me. Did Maya pay you for this?"

"I really don't understand, what you're talking about. This has nothing to do with Maya!"

"So what are you waiting for? Ki.."

Before I finished my sentence I had his lips all over mine. He grabbed me around the waist and pushed me strongly against his large chest, as his hands held my powerless body closer I could feel he was ready to do more than just passionately kiss me. It was the best kiss in a long time. Completely unexpected. Totally symbiotic. I slowly realized what I was doing. I was cheating on Maya. I was not his to take. I violently, and with difficulty pushed him away.

"I can't!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to make you understand what I feel!"

"Message clear. I just, I can't. I shouldn't. I don't want to. I gotta go."

Without waiting for any answer from his part. Without letting him any time to react, I ran to the stairs, ran up the stairs and hailed the first taxi in front of the shopping center. On my way home I called Maya. She wasn't answering.

In the morning I didn't want to wake up. I was puzzled. Felt almost in love with Kamil. Realized how much energy my love to Maya was taking away from me with all the lies I had to tell to the people I loved about our relationship. Still I had to go to our regular date with Maya. A breakfast in the center. little traditional cake shop. During the night I forgot to charge my phone so I plugged it in in the shop. I was sitting with my Latte and a tart. Suddenly Maya entered furiously waving some journal in her hand!

"What the bloody hell is that?"

Probably everybody in the place looked around as it is a very posh place, but I could take my eyes away from me being kissed by Kamil in the parking lot on the front page of a daily junk magazine with a monster sized title: Kamil hiding his love in parking lots. I was furious, but she was more so. Somehow my brain switched and I became super calm.

"Isn't this what you wanted? Nobody will suspect us anymore. I am officially hooking up with male celebrities in shopping malls. Look, they even got my name right!"

"I wanted you to go shopping, earn some publicity, not you to fuck him!"

"So it was you who send them?!"

"Yes! But that doesn't matter. Now I know what kind of a guy you are!"

"What kind? A single gay guy being kissed by another single gay guy? Because that is what you pretend. That I am a single gay guy. Am I not a single gay guy?"

"No you're not. You're a celebrity chaser cunt. And when one is not good enough for you anymore, you go for another younger, different celebrity."

At that point, she couldn't see clearly anymore, her eyes were dropping big tears from underneath her huge sunglasses. She melted my heart. I switched again, I felt like the worst slut in the world.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't want it to happen. We had an argument, and...I think he really fancies me and he just..."

"Of course he fancies you..." she groaned "...he was talking about you for months, he wanted me to hook you two up. He's totally mad about you! That's why I arranged the meeting. To give the paparazzis something to grip on. But I can't believe you fucked him!"

"Maya, I swear, no such thing happened. I pushed him away. The kiss didn't last a second. Iran away. Because I love someone else. You know who I love. You know I couldn't loose her. I just couldn't live without you...her."

"Let's get out of here!"

As we walked out we were surrounded by two or three photographers. They asked me about Kamil. Maya's mascara was running down her face. Waterproof my ass. We had to walk followed by them through the historical center. Both of us silent just sighing, I didn't even have my sunglasses. Hard to hide excitation.

The day after it was me again on the cover of the magazines with her. The title said 'Maya upset about the revealed relationship between Kamil and her personal stylist. Kamil didn't comment on anything. I don't have an agent. Maya's agent just said: no comment.

That evening I left with her for the countryside. I was about to meet her mother.

 IV✮Countryside

We arrived to her country house in the middle of Slovak hills just after midnight.

The walley was chilly. The silent treatment we gave each other was weighing us. All we could conclude was that we loved each other.

The house was empty, we filled it out with our burning bodies. I became expert of an unknown space by exploring it's owner.

We didn't need to discuss it. We were just happy to be free and alone. Away from the world.

The next day we went to visit the mom. I was the hay stylist in here. Everybody believed I was dating Kamil and thought I came here to hide from the journalists under Maya's protective wings.

At one point I faced the mom alone. She didn't spare me a second :

"So, you're fucking my daughter."

"I beg you pardon?"

"Oh , shut up! First, she's loud when she gets fucked and then you're not the first one."

"What do you mean? " my blood was frozen and my brain was slowly starting to lack oxygen. I could feel my face become green white.

"You're not the first one. She always pretends her lovers are gay and covers it with a good story in the newspapers. "

"I'm sorry, Mrs..."

At that point she poured me a shot of some local alcohol.

"Don't be sorry. Go away. She has kids older than you. Don't you see how bad this is? For both of you. Be the mature one. Get away before it gets bad. Because it is going to get  much worse!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You'll understand later. Now drink this. Man up and take a train back to Bratislava. There is one in 45 minutes."

I downed the shot and went for the door without a word. I met Maya outside.

"Your mom knows."

"Everybody knows."

"What do you mean?"

"If you don't remember,  it was in the paper for three days in a row."

She handed me a journal with some pictures from the filming where we were together with Kamil and some people from the staff witnessing there certainly was a thing between us. Bullocks.

"No, your mom knows about us. Who else knows about us?"

"Just my sister. And my make up artist. And maybe the hairstylist..."

"So basically everybody who works with us is aware if those two know. Remember when Roberta went for a lipo? Everybody knew!"

"They didn't tell anyone about my acid injections."

"How do you think I knew?"

"Fucking faggots! "

"I'm a faggots too!"

"No, you're not !"

"You just made sure the whole country thinks so!"

"But you are mine, my love!"

"But you are not mine. At least I don't have the right to state. I didn't tell anyone in the world!  Anyone. And you treat me like this. Fuck you Maya.  Fuck you!"

"You already did! Now go, I told you!" Her mom started on me from behind.

"At least someone has guts in here. I'm going. It was a pleasure madam."

I ran out of the garden and started my GPS driven walk of shame. People were looking at the windows. It was quite a little street with low houses. Our voices must have been overheard. My furious walk took me across a bridge, away from everything and the train took me back towards something like home.

As I sat on the train,  I received a text.

"We need to talk. Sincerely yours,  Kamil."

 V✮Intermezzo

Everytime we fought, I wanted to run away. I wanted but I couldn't. All I wished for was to run away and get caught up by you. I hoped that you would understand and come after me. But I knew you wouldn't. So I stayed and pretended it was not half as bad.

And then one day, you went away, and I couldn't find you. I couldn't reach you. And we split. And in irregular waves we meet and crash against each other. Bit nothing ever comes back to normal. Because we are broken. And I refuse to aknowledge it. For the past four years I refuse to aknowledge with my heart that we are broken and that we cannot be fixed.

We are over and it still hurts. I still cling on some beautiful moments we had together and hope for more. I refuse to see what I saw from the beggining. It's a no go, but I got lost on my way out.

Sorry for the pain. Sorry for the indecision. Sorry for the blaming. I should have known better.

P.S.: I loved you.

 VI✮Twisted

I had no idea what to answer to that message.

I felt broken hearted from Maya, but I was quickly realizing it was my ego that was broken. In the few hours on the train my brain burned that tiny shot of alcohol and it made me understand.

All this story with her boosted my ego, it made me feel special, more suitable for the society as a man and desirable because I was touched by a star. But my expectations killed it all in me. I thought I was playing a fair game but I was lying to myself and I was lying to her as well. Maybe in the end she was the one who loved me more. But I felt betrayed, because she made me swear not to talk about it with anyone and she shared it with all these people.

I didn't even tell my mom. For months I lived with her who used to be my confident and barely talked to her about anything. In years abroad I never felt this distant from her while I was living with her.

By the time I got to Bratislava, the hot late October summer turned into a frosty autumn. I could smell the dry cold that predicts snow. I started shivering as I got off the train and I understood how hungry I was. I called my mom to ask her to cook something for me and headed for the taxi station.

"Darling, you should know there is a bunch of paparazzis in front of the house and..."

"What? Whatever, I'll be there in 20 minutes. Sorry for this mess mom!"

I hanged up, sunk into a cab and tried to see the World as before. Innocent, in love, easy. But it all seemed over. Too many lies. I was back to the loveless life I was running away from few years ago. Bratislava was as cold as Paris. Big city full of sensless people who's only concern was their own reputation.

At home I had to walk through a micro bunch of paparazzis, that was much more Slovakia than France. Although I was not used to this, trying not to talk. Not to answer deeply innapropriate questions and hope the painful grin wouldn't be too visible on my face.

My mom opened the door and for me and started at me:

"Kamil is here, in the living room!"

A wave of heat fell on my head replacing the icy cold that reigned it before. I was petrified. My mom was stressed.

"So is he the reason why you moved back to Slovakia?"

"No mom, it is much more complicated than that. I am sorry I didn't talk to you about anything. I promise I will. But now I need to get this sorted."

She gave me way and sat down in the entry hall/kitchen to drink her coffee and wait patiently what was this all to become.

Kamil was sitting quietly in the sofa that was my bed for the last few months, staring at the closed blinds of the big windows shut to keep the photos from being taken. I expected the worst wash out ever. He turned his head to me and smiled softly. My knees broke. How did I not see how handsome he was before. He stood up and walked towards my petrified self. He took my skinny frozen hand into his big hot palm and softly stroke it.

"Are you allright?"

I nodded and finally took off my sunglasses as I felt he tried to see a reaction in my eyes. They were slightly wet and probably completely lost. Unlike him. He kissed me tenderly while holding my hands tighly. It was the sweetest, weirdest kiss. His hot mouth gave life to my crisp lips and every inch of my skin started understanding his presence. My heart started pumping and the diziness made me loose ballance. My body crashed against his. I rested my head on his large shoulder. Our bodies were stuck to each other, only separated by thin cotton shirts.

"I am really sorry you have to go through all of this. The journalists are fucking sharks, they won't let anyone out."

"No, it's probably my fault, I made some wrong decisions!"

"You made one, yes! You left me there other night. You shouldn't have. I can feel you now. I see you have the same feelings for me as I have for you. From the first day you appeared on the shot with your rags of clothes. I knew I had an effect on you and I was slowly discovering the effect your shyness had on me. I'm so very much into you!"

"You are not mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you? I understand it was unexpected that a guy like me would declare to you in a parking lot and be serious. But I am serious. I like you very much, and I want to give it a go, even if it is going to be hard with all the press. I've never dated anyone, officialy. We are already an item for them!"

This sounded so much like Julia Roberts in Notting Hill, I didn't have the heart to tell him off. He was so handsome and ready to sacrifice a part of his image for me. I looked him in his soft blue eyes expecting an answer.

"I'm very much into you as well!"

He gave me a quick kiss and very exitedly said:

"Perfect, so what about you go take a quick shower and we make it all official?" and he hurried me to the bathroom.

I robotically took my shower, smiling at the idea that this hottie wanted to date me. I heard him and my mom talking. He's a great talker and he makes her laugh. What better could I wish for? Back to my hometown with a great boyfriend and no more secrets.

As I got out of the shower they hurried me to dress up. When I was ready, Kamil put his arm around my shoulder and snapped a selfie. He posted it to Instagram, twitter and his official Facebook page with  a caption around the lines of "Me and my boo" and he asked me to do the same. I gladly obeyed.

Then he invited me over to his place for a dinner. I kissed my mom and we walked out of the building holding hands. When the journalists asked questions all he did was to show our hands together. The crisp grin on my face when I was coming in turned into a radiant smile when I was coming out. As we sat in the car and some photographers setteled infront of us to capture the new gay couple, what a scoop in Slovakia, Kamil kissed me and caressed my cheek.

We took off towards a new chapter of our lives. A chapter written in two. My life was full of love again. Innocent and hopeful.

 VII✮Teenage dream

The next few weeks were like a dream.

I fled my own country when I was 18 to come out of closet and become a full-time fashion fairy. I had to be dragged back by a woman to discover my true happiness.  Being gay in here still isn't easy with all the 'traditional family' defenders. I mean, what even is traditional family? A family that holds together and defends their own. And, just for your information, gays are one of yours.

Anyway, all this hatred is somehow bearable when your celebrity boyfriend supports you every day. All the cute little messages, little presents and stolen kisses when we work together.

 We were in all magazines. Special interviews were made, press releases, smartphone videos of us in parties. We became a publically praised couple with an invented story of how it already went on for a period of time, but we wanted to keep our privacy and now we decided it was the right time to come out.

We went on a holiday to some private terms and I had the time of my life. Out and proud and making everybody jealous. He was such a macho, I felt like his little thing and I liked it. He was a bit rough in bed and  it was quite refreshing. His huge body was a hard mount of muscles that made me go crazy everytime our naked skin touched.

My heart was blooming so much, I was happy, smiley all the time, came up with ideas that everybody adhered to at work. Everybody found me funny and loved my company. I felt generous about everyone. I felt like everyone should be as lucky as I was. I found my way back to my family. In honesty.

I had no communication with Maya, we would meet at work and be very cordial, but no private meetings. I heard she was dating some other guy. It never went public, but I hoped it would, and that she would get her share of happiness.

Christmas was coming. With Kamil we decided to spend the Christmas eve with my family, the Christmas day with his family and then go for a week to ski with people from the show. Kelly would come from Paris.

Both dinners in family went perfectly. My family loved Kamil and his family was so happy for him. It was a real white Christmas as we shared a passion for the same mood enhancer and we ordered a big load of cocaine for our vacation.

On the morning of the 26.th I woke up, had a kick and headed to the airport to get Kelly. She was as cute as ever, I was moody. After a five minutes ride she asked me to stop somewhere for a coffee before we got home to Kamil.

"Darling, he has the most amazing coffee machine, much better than any place in Bratislava. and with all this celebrity thing I don't like to hang around anymore."

"Good, so let's go to your mom's place first! I'd love to see her before we take off for the mountain."

"I'd rather not. I mean..."

"What?" she was impatient and moderatly pissed off.

"I don't want her to..."

"See you fucked up? See, that's one thing you haven't told me. How long have you been taking it again? And how dare you drive me in such a state?"

"Common Kelly, it's not a big deal. I have it under control!"

"Pull off, I'm taking a bus."

"Oh, we did so much worse you and me at the time!"

"Yeah, I almost lost you once! And then you moved away. And I was like. Okay, ungrateful bitch, I just saved your life, and took care of you, but go, run off with some old botoxed bitch. And I would really be happy for you being with this guy. But not like this. Not in this state. You went through all of this. How can you even do this to yourself. Your mom. Me? Don't you have any respect for us?"

"Should I drive you back to the airport?"

"You're such a fucker. Of course not! I'm so happy to see you. I'm just worried. That's all."

"I'm a fabulous fucker." I said as I turned my face away to put my sunglasses and hide the exploded veins in my eyes while snorting a piece of crystal back up my nose.

"Promise me you will think of it!"

"Sure, but now let's have a great holiday!"

"It's gonna be great!"

"Oh, and please, don't talk about the past. Nobody knows anything. Not even my family. Everyone just thinks I had a twist in my career and I'd like it to stay that way."

"Sure thing, captain. No need of talking about that."

From there it was the holiday I wished for. A lovely catch up with my best friend. And then a drive with her and Kamil to the mountain. He really enjoyed her. All went smooth and joyfully.

Then we arrived to the cottage. And there was a seriously familiar car parked in front of it. And it's owner standing in front of it. Kelly reacted first:

"Isn't that the Maya woman?"

"Of course, you know her?"asked Kamil. I looked at her in despair.

"Well..."

"Of course you do. The three of you met in Paris." how could he possibly know that? He caught up my amazement and continued:

"I mean when you were there on a shopping spree, it was all over the papers at the time, you must have met then."

"Exactly!" shouted Kelly and the three of us were suspiciously awkward as if each of us had a cupboard full of secrets.

This holiday was about to be the worst bitch ever.

  

VIII✮Cottage life

So I took a key of C and went out to face the devil. Maya greeted us very heartily and helped Kelly with her bags. I was so much elswhere, I just smiled. The night was already on, people inside were eating and drinking. Some were dancing on sheep rugs in front of an open fire cheminee. For a cottage, it still hosted a party of twenty.

We had a great evening. Everybody was excited about Kelly and her brand. She was excited about leaving Paris for a week. I was excited about going to sleep and forgetting about life.

Somehow, until she came from Paris, I didn't realize I was all in it again. I couldn't step out of bed without a line. And through all this time, I forgot why I stopped in the first place. I just thought I was enjoying my life and loving, first Maya, now Kamil. I never understood all my feelings were biaised by the drugs.

I went to bed around ten and stared into the blackness until one when most of the people went to sleep. Kamil was snoring by my side for an hour already. All naked, throwing his clothes on the floor as he thought I was asleep. I had to go out for a walk.

A starry night in a snow covered mountain side is actually quite luminous. Everything is grey and blue in the reflections of the white crystals. I didn't have to walk for long to bump into Maya.

"Can't sleep?"

"Obviously."

"We haven't really talked since that morning."

"I think it was for the best. Thank you for staying discreet about this."

"Well, I put you into this, I can't complain. I am quite happy for you."

"Thank you, I'm quite happy too."

"That's probably why you walk outside in the middle of the night while your lover is in your bed."

"Yeah, out of nothing all the happiness kicked in and I didn't want to wake him up!"

"You never hesitated waking me up!"

I suddenly threw myself into the snow behind us and dragged her next to me.

"We can do snow angels, like they do in all the american movies!"

We started spreading our limbs and giggling. Then she threw a snow ball in my face and we started a tickle fight. We rolled in the snow. She ended up upon me. We were all wet. With the moon reflecting on her face I found her more exciting then ever. I grabbed her head and pressed her against me.

"I still want you" she whispered.

I took off my jacket to lay on. I opened hers, pulled her jumper up to see her naked body. Unzipped my pants. Unbuttoned hers. We had a very silent half dressed party. A party of two. Two burning bodies. Two screaming souls. Two silent faces. No kissing. I bit her jacket to keep from uttering a sound and she hit my back with her soft fists. I could hear her heart pounding. Then her hands calmed down, her palms opened. Her nails entered my skin as her body curved. It was all right. It was all over.

We dressed up with a weird little smile and silently walked back to the sleeping cottage. We cordially parted. I entered my bedroom cautiously and spred my clothes on the radiator. By the time I was naked I could feel him behind me. I was still excited. He started kissing me all over. Unexpectedly tenderly. His large hands  holding tight on my hips. His hungry lips running through my burning skin. He then closed his strong arms around me and took me. There. Standing. I felt all of his body against mine and it was like I was conneceted to all of him in the darkness.

The next day hungover was un understatement to describe my state. I started the day with a grog. More rum than tea. It helped me see straight. Everybody was enjoying the ski, but I was too shaky to risk breaking a leg.

At lunch everybody came back. Kelly was all sparkling under Kamils arm. When he left for to get changed she excitedly started:

"My god, your boyfriends is so amazing. I'm having the time of my life. Promise you will come with us this afternoon!"

"Maybe tomorrow darling, I'm really tired."

"How comes? You went to bed like super early."

"Yeah, but I didn't really sleep, you know..."

"I can only image, he's such a stud, he probably never let's you sleep."

"Well actually, I went for a midnight walk and..."

"Yeah?" she said with a puzzled smile.

"I kind of broke my own rules of a relationship. I bumped into Maya and...we hit it off in the snow!"

"What? Her? Aren't you gay? I mean...what? "

"I never told you this, but, I didn't come back to Bratislava just to be her stylist. It was mostly because I used to be her lover and then I got mixed in this whirlwind with Kamil."

"Why didn't you tell me something this important? I'm really trying not to make this about me, but you're really a shitty friend. Why am I here anyway? Are we even friends anymore?"

I clasped her hand so strong it must have hurt, but she was too shocked to realize.

"Kelly, please, listen to me! Nobody knew. Promise. At least none of my friends or family. She made me swear I wouldn't talk about it. She did though. I am so sorry I never shared this with you. I wanted to, but I felt bound to her. And then there were so many other things to talk about..."

Her eyes filled with tears, I couldn't tell if it was physical pain or sadness.

"Let go off me! We will have this conversation later. I need to breathe. I can't be nice to you now."

She stormed off and bumped into Kamil on her way out.

"What's the matter?"

"She just  has a moment. She'll be fine later. Trust me, I know her best."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure babe, I will check on her in ten minutes."

"As you say... We missed you out there. You should come!" he said as he cuddled up next to me. His nose resting on my neck and his hot breath warming up my tense skin.

I was happy and puzzled.

A total mess.

Loveless and fuckfull.

 IX✮Back to basics.

For the rest of the holiday I tried to avoid talking to Kelly. I couldn't face her with all the lies I said. I just wished she would forget everything and love me just the way I was. She eventually, seemingly did.

I slept with both Maya and Kamil, separately, through theten days we all spent at the cottage. Silent, cold and hot sex. Full of emotions, empty of feelings. I somehow undestood I didn't have much feelings for him and that the remainder of my feelings for her were rather hatred than love.

I felt like suddenly all blood left my body. I was just a cold and horny vampire full of cocaine. I even started looking up other guys and girls.

As we got back to Bratislava and I accompanied Kelly back to the airport, she finally sopke:

"You know, whatever the lies you're telling to your mom, to those two or even to me. I don't really mind the truth. The important thing is to be true to yourself. You're the one whose going to live with the consequences. And right now. You have absolutely no control of nothing whatsoever. I really miss you. But not just when you're not around. Even when you're around. You're worse then when we were still high in Paris and you are so much worse then when we were sober together. Of course, I'm tempted to take it again. But as much as I quit it for you, I keep away from it for myself. I'm happier with myself. You didn't even ask, but I met someone. He's really nice. And for once I'm taking it slowly. Who knows. It might work out..."

"Kelly!"

"Bye for now!"

She walked away without a hug, without even kissing my cheek. She hardly smiled before turning around and walking away. No looking back. No checking on me. This might have been the last time someone ever cared for me.

I drove home. I couldn't see anyone. I abandonned my self on my mom's couch. She seemed already asleep but then she appeared in the doorstep of her room:

"Happy New year darling!"

"Happy New year mom!" I said and vent to hug her. She smelled of sweet sweat, propolis and lavender. She was as fragile as an egg shell.

She went back to sleep and I tried to do the same. After half an hour of blank staring in the emptiness I went online and started looking for a hook up. Luckily for me it was easy that night. Few minutes away.  A midnight quickie without even knowing each others name. Without really talking. By the time I arrived he was naked. I left him naked on the floor and walked out with my fly still open. I walked in the spiky January air.

As I got home, I finally slept. For two days. My mom was around me and regularly fed me with hot soup and some childhood memory yogurths.

On the afternoon of the third day Kamil came to get me and brought me to his place. I was silent. I finally felt like the little piece of shit I became. I hated myself and everything around me. I loathed him and the single image of Maya just made me nauteous. Then he poured champagne and put on some really nasty gay music. He took a little paper out of his wallet. He unfolded it and started making lines. Before he had the time to say anything I sniffed half of it.

Suddenly I was the king of the world, and he was my fool. For a split second I felt a look of pity in his eyes. But as I started dancing around his living room, he joined me. We undressed and had furiously wild sex. Very primitive, basic need fulfilling. Energetically both devastating and refreshing. Our naked bodies all over the place. We ended up completely wet with sweat dripping from our hair. We took a shower and made it in there again. Then we took some more and went out for party. As I was pumped up and far from my prude self I said:

"We should have a threesome!"

To my actual disappointment but momentary satisfaction, Kamil gave me a delighted smile and started cruising the bar for eventual spare partners. He sorted out three and gave me the final choice within them. I demanded the short muscled blonde. Kamil hailed him like a cab and the guy came over, already wondering what we were up to. Kamil bluntly started:

"Would you like us to show you my flat?"

"Let me grab my coat!"

And off we went for my first threesome. The guy wouldn't stop deblaterating about his life, but I cannot even remember his name today. It was my first threesome. Kamil didn't want to use preservatives, but I wouldn't let the stranger in without it. It was strange. Exciting and surreal at the same time. I started sweating and ran off for a shower in the middle of the action. When I came back they were about to come. They hurried me to join them. And it was the first time in my life, I ever pretended an orgasm. Unnoticed.

The guy stayed over the night, or what was left of it. I woke up with a massive hangover and decided to kick it out with a line. The guy decided to take me over while my boyfriend was still asleep. It was delicious. He was different in the morning. I felt so much tenderness I wanted to share it. I slapped Kamils naked butt to wake him up and this time I didn't need to pretend.

The guy left and I realized this was to become a regular pattern. Getting wasted. Going out. Bringing a third one home. Loosing myself. Understanding I was never to have Kamil entirely for me.

The three following months went by. I rarely saw anyone else then him, my work colleagues and Maya. Oh yes, because that little cottage flaunt became a weekly special. Always quick, silent and secret. I gave her the remainder of my junkie youth, she gave me the remainder of her normality.

We were becoming insane. I was. Life was running through my fingers and I didn't bother to ask for directions. I just went with the flow...

 X✮Skeletons in the cupboards.

In the early noughties my English teacher pride her self in teaching us the expression 'Skeleton in the cupboard'. She seemed pleased of her knowledge and still found it very odd that English would use these words to talk about secrets.

I had a skeleton in the cupboard. A mighty one. Onc again, I lied to everyone. The only person who knew about Maya was Kelly. She somehow swallowed her pride and accepted being my confidante in this matter. Also, because I promised her I would quit the drugs. So, I just started lying about that in front of her as well as in front of my family and my old friends. I guess I had more than one skeleton on stock.

As to my old friends, it was a situation similar to my mom. The closer I lived to them, the more distant I was with them. I split my time between being with Kamil, working for the TV as stylist assistant and doing Maya's styling again...and additionally doing her  in the most bizzare places. My childhood friends and my party friends from before I left Slovakia at age eighteen were mostly getting married or having children. That didn't seem like an option for me. I couldn't relate to their lives and felt akward during my fifteen minute visits or when bumping into them in a shopping center. The catch up was always very quick and felt artificial.

April was as weird as my mindscape. Rainy, hot, almost freezing, sunny. On one of the lovelier days, Mayas younger sister arrived from Germany for an interview for our TV. We went to pick her up at the airport. When she saw me, she thought I was Kamil. It struck me a little bit but we were in hurry to get to the studio on time.

While she was taping her interview, Maya took my hand and led me outside. There was a little park with trees and bushes. Without saying a word, she made me follow her to the bushes. She turned her back on me. Pulled her skirt up and made me understand she wasn't wearing anything underneath. I took her from behind in another silent quickie in the outdoors. Thank God I was high. After four months of secret escapes and absolutely no dealing with our feelings, I felt tired. Nothing excited me anymore.

After we got back to the studio she went to the bathroom and I went few seconds after her. As I was geting to the corridor I could hear her on the phone:

"I just got fucked by your boyfriend, when is your turn?"

"No, I want you all night long. Fed up with these quickies!"

"Invent somenthing!"

"Okay, see you tonight, your place at 9."

If I was at my normal, or sober, I would probably freak out and kill someone. But being aware of my paranoïa I decided to give them the advantage of doubt. Anyway, I had no time to react as my phone started vibrating. Kamil was calling:

"Hey, hot pants. How is your day?"

"Hi there, cheeky bum! Kamil, I was about to call you!"

"Really? What's up?"

"Nothing bad, I just realised I forgot to tell you I was having like a family dinner tonight just my mom and my sister. I'll drive to my sister's tonight and come back tomorrow. Hope you won't miss me too much!"

"Oh sweetie, of course I will! But, I guess I'll just call it an early night!"

"Oki doki, see you tomorrow then!"

We should definetly stop the MD, cause this shit baby talk is unbearable. My plans for tonight were not clear yet, but I had to invent something to give him a full space to cheat on me and to give me full cover to catch him.

I got home by seven, had a cheap dinner from Sherlock deli around the corner from my mom's house. She actually went to visit my sister half an hour ride outside Bratislava. She was very disappointed in me not coming to see my heavily pregnant sister. I was very concentrated on not getting to Kamil's place too early. I ate. I drank a little. And I had a line or two around nine, which gave me the right kick. I jumped into the car and drove quickly accross the town. I parked behind her car. Silently entered the hall of his building and then unlocked his door.  They were not in the huge kitchen so I tip toed towards the open door of the bedroom. I was holding a bottle of Champagne, pretending a romantic surprise. What a 'surprise' seeing him in her, both sniffing coke off a silver tray. She reacted first:

"Oh great, room service with Champagne, just on time!"

"Why don't you undress and join us?"

"Oh no, let me undress him!"

I wanted to smash the bottle and cut them. It only hit me when I physically saw them. How long have they been cheating on me? But then... How long have I been cheating on them? In the end, no question asked. After a little silence, I uttered with an amused smile:

"Let me get the glasses!"

I went to the kitchen and my mind switched. I suddenly felt excited about having a threesome with my boyfriend and my secret lover. I felt like all this could work. Like all that loveless life was filling with hope. I was also terribly impatient to get a line.

I came back and poured the champagne. Then I kneeled on the bed and bent to take some C from her belly, my head close to his pounding pelvis. They started caressing me and slowly undressing me as if I was the new toy in Town. The rest of the act is blurred. Mostly because I don't remember it clearly. I was drunk and high. Only emotions remain. A weird kind of excited pain. Heat. Sweat. Heavy breathing. Being torn appart. Being put together. Putting them together. Seeing them. Having her looking at us. Being on the in them. Having them in me. Something hard. Something soft and warm. Multiple orgasms. Hours of marathonian action. Passing out in total exhaustion. Satisfaction. Feeling like our skeleteons have been taken out of their cupboards. Freedom. A new page in the book of my life.

  

XI✮Staircase of memories

Few weeks into May and I felt like the deepest winter. My brain wasn't assimilating the actual weather. Just the state of my mind.

So this was it. I left my friends and my country for France when I was eighteen to come back seven years later as to have a minor career in TV and double date a couple of celebrities. As it seems, Kamil and Maya were dating for three years when she fled to Paris because of some journalist knowing their secret. And there she found me, gullible as ever, fascinated and ready to take any chance on making my life better. I became their toy, for over a year they played me in hope to cover their affair and have some extra fun. When I discovered they were together, I was actually flattered. Same as when I first met her. Same as when he first declared in that undergroung parking under the looks of thirsty papparazzis. My ego was blowing up sustained with my increasing dependancy on the luxurious life.

I have been through all this once already. Money and beautiful things. Drugs and champagne. Lovely food. Limitless sex. Although that use dto be my way of getting in. Now I got to the point where sex became my escape.

I kept on pretending I was happy in our threesome, somehow I finally felt equal as a human to both of them and I needed an extra. Something just mine. So I started dating on my own. Just anonymous hook ups with closeted gays in my hometown. I was impatient to recognise an ex-classmate or an ex-bully. Unfortunatelly, it was me who was discovered first. Some younger schoolmate recognised me as I entered his flat:

"Dear me, what a coincidence!"

"What do you mean? Do I know you?"

"I doubt you remember me. You were one of the cool kids. Smoking during the breaks, big rebel. I wanted to be like you. Jesus, I recognised you straight away when you appeared on the pictures with Kamil! What a crazy life. And now you are in my living room. Wait, does this mean you're not together anymore? Or do opengays keep the same secrets as us married men?"

"I'm sorry, this is not a good idea, I gotta go!"

My brain got hit by a wave of paranoïa after an excessive dose of coke. I ran out of his appartment and flew from off his staircase. My legs lost control and I sled over one flight of stairs. I must have passed out. I woke up on the floor with a taste of blood in my mouth. I didn't feel any pain but I felt like I couldn't move much. I still slowly rolled over and stood up against the wall. I reached the door and painfully walked out in this unknown neighbourhood. I took the car and drove to the riverside that was more of woods. In the darkening evening I went to the river not aware of how I looked.

I just sat there, in dirt under the trees. Above the water and tried to shake the feeling of being folowed. I remembered the last time I fell off the staircase. Few years back, when I thought I was mature enough to give everyone a life lesson and I ruined my boyfrien's New Years Eve party. I lost him then. And forever. And I still don't regret it fully. I regret being an idiot. I regret hurting so many people. But I don't regret loosing someone who didn't see at all who I was. How I wish I missed him. But there are so many I miss more. My mom. My sister and her newborn baby. Kelly. Tristan.

I knew Tristan when I met Kelly in Paris. He was young and beautiful. Tall and gracefull. He was taken care of. Until one day, when he hit twenty-seven, his fifty years old boyfriend replaced him with a seveneen-year version of himself. After years of luxurious life, he found himself moneyless and homeless. One day he sold all his clothes and took his best friend Zabou for a beautiful weekend by the nordic sea. After a crazy night he went for a swim. All he left behind was his enormous fur coat. Zabou was devastated. Few months later, empty of any feelings and full of cocaine, I tried for the same. Fortunately, I was found on time in my bathroom full of medications, alcohol and drugs and my body was transfered to hospital on time. That was when we gave up on drugs with Kelly.

Now I am here, in the same situation. Used and abused. A victim of the star system and a really good customer for the metropolitain pushers. My mind started playing with the idea of me walking into the river. The stream is very strong, there is a very low chance of me surviving in the Danube.

It reminded me of that evening where as a teenager I was sitting on my window frame after a concert, my legs hanging over the strings full of freshly washed linen and I was thinking to myself:

"If I jumped now, nobody would miss me!"

How unfair was I to everyone in my life. Most of the time I didn't commit suicide out of pure selfishness. It would be useless for me to do it, because I wouldn't be missed. So I could go on living my pointless life. It wouldn't make any difference. When talking suicide to others, everybody reasonned by the pain they would bring to their beloved. That was actually the only reason why I would commit one. To bring pain to people. To make them realize how much they loved me and to make them miss me. I wouldn't want to die because of the pain I was going through. That was supportable. We all go through pain. Every each of us has it's cross. Painfull dark cross that we hide more or less succesfully.

After few years of therapy, I think I tried to kill myself just to make them pay. Make everybody pay for my unhappiness. For the fact that I had to come to this world, live a life in a body that was not my first choice with a sexuality that wasn't what I was thought to be and ambitions that weren't always attainable. And then he left me. I wanted him to sit at home and scream "Je t'aime" while listening to Lara Fabian, drinking absinthe and looking at my pictures. Like I did for him.

I don't want to hurt anymore. Not me. Not the others. I want to replace my ego with my heart. I want to live my life as bad as it could be sober and unpopular. I did this choice once and I will keep on trying. No matter how many times I fall back into it.

What followed was drastic. I went back home to my mom and I told her all. Not all about the past. Just the last year. Maya, Kamil, the others and the drugs. I was happy she didn't die on the spot. But that's why I am so happy to have her. No matter how much she disagrees with what I do, she will always help me get better. I asked her to take care of me for the following few weeks.

The next day I called to work to say I was taking few weeks off and I sent a message to Kamil and Maya, saying I would be travelling around Europe for few weeks. And I started a cleanse. I threw away my mobile. Turned off facebook, twitter, gmail, instagram. I virtally disappeared. I went into old childhood movies and my mom's kitchen.

I can't remember much. My mom checking up on me mostly. Her restlesness. My gratefullness for the weather not being too bad. Being home. Missing Kelly, who went through this with me the last time.

Then I had to go out. One of my old school friends was getting married and i wouldn't miss it for anything!

 XII✮Teenage ghosts.

After two weeks of no care given to my exterior, I had to wash and dress up. I gave up on shaving my beard, so I ended up looking like a lumberjack in a Sunday suit. Faithfull to my reputation as a stylist I did an over dressed look with my baby blue Vichy square suit, a white T-shirt with a pleated plastron, white espadrillos and tortoise sunglasses. It might not sound groundbreaking, but remember, this is an ex-communist central European country. Thankfully everybody concentrated on my beard and asked me about life in France, as most of them haven't seen me long enough to ignore I was living in Slovakia and I had an affair with Kamil. Except some teenage girls who were talking about him, but thankfully wouldn't recognise me in this state.

The ceremony was in a local church and would be extremely boring if the priest wasn't the grooms childhood friend. After an hour we got some time given to wander around the city before going for the reception/dinner/party at their house. They were one of those succesfull couples. Together since Uni. Both businessmen. Living in a city nearby Bratislava, accidentally the same as my sister. They had a nice two floor house with a big garden, ready to be filled with children.

As I walked out of the church, I saw him for the first time. I didn't recognise him until later. He was extremely young and confident. Long brown hair in a princess ponytail. Burgundy velevet jacket with a white tuxedo scarf. A little golden cross dangling from his left ear as he rolled his cigarette. I left him there with a shimmer in my chest.

I popped into my sisters house, similar to my friends, only a bit more modest and already filled with a baby's giggle. My baby niece. The smiliest kid ever. As my sister saw me she ran to me and hugged the hell out of me.

"I'm so sorry babe. I was so busy with the baby and everything, I couldn't come."

"Oh, don't worry! I'm sorry I was too busy with my wanky life to get to see you. This is so magic."

We just sat and talked for two hours regularly amazed by the little girls sounds and stares. This gave me so much new energy. Somehow I felt like this was it. This was the reason to live. Not the money, the clothes, the social statut, but the kids. Like if all that we do and have is nothing compared to the new generation. Whatever comes next has suddenly more importance than what has been. Family and someone to built your life with seem more important than building up an empire of your own.

I then went to Irina's house to find it full of tipsy wedding guests. There I saw him again. He smirked at me and then stuck his tongue out at me. There I recognised him. Roman. Irina's little brother. Oh, I hated that little brat. Being bullied for being a teenage closeted gay by a nine year old was a real lifelong trauma. He must have been about eighteen now. And Gosh did they have good genes in their family. His dad used to be my teenage 'Alain Delon' fantasy. I lost him from my sight as we were called to the dinner.

I was sat at a table with my former classmates from when I was fourteen. They were all talking about their succesfull careers in business and law. I went to a very good school. Only few turned out to be humanitarian or artists, but they were very good at it, having quite a large grip on the small central European market. I managed to keep most questions away, as everybody knew what I was doing and nobody wanted to embarass me with my innombrable career restart. Everybody wondered where Kamil was, though. I just said he was busy at some charity. That charity being Maya, probably.

I haven't thought of them for the past weeks. I was completely concentrated on myself, as usual. But I had no bitterness. They were just a piece of memory at the back of my head.

During the dinner there were several numbers with folk music and family toasts. After the dessert we were called outside to a settling july night. Roman was standing on the podium with a guitar backed up by a small group of musicians. Standing next to him was Roberta, his teenage sweetheart. They must have been together since age ten. I liked that girl she used to be so nasty to him. He deserved it. They went a long way from the fake rap loving couple. She too, had stunning genes and a good taste. For the first dance they sang "V slepych ulickach" (In the dead end/literlly in the blind streets) a 1980's romantic song, that has the best words and compares love to wine and talks about what one can do in a dark street... ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgmZpJEOPRE )

Then Roberta walked off the stage after a giggle and a quick shy kiss. She changed so much. She came directly to me while he stayed to sing few more songs. She was so keen to talk about Paris and fashion. I had to ask:

"Have you been together for all that time? I mean, that's like seven years!"

"Actually, not. I have been very nasty. When I was fifteen I ran off. I kinda broke his heart. I whored around. That's probably when he discovered his penchant for music and started playing guitar and going to rock concerts. He no more listens to rap and hip hop."

"So you're not together anymore?"

"Well, about a year ago, I was really in a bad shape. You wouldn't believe, I was a depressed little emo girl getting drunk every day, having sex with punks. And there he came. We bumped into each other at a concert and he was a completely different person. A grown up. And he had so much patience with me. And slowly I understood what I was feeling to him. And I was so affrait to declare to him. I have been such a bitch to him before!"

"That's the one part I liked about you the most!" We both laughed uncontrollably.

"However I declared and he made me the greatest gift  of all. He declared back. And we're together since. And it is marvelous. And I try to be humble about it, but I'm really just super happy and in love. I mean, look at him!"

"He surely is something!"

"And what about you and Kamil, it was all over the papers, that must have been quite hard."

"Ehm...I don't really think this is the right thing for me. Remember how I used to dream about being famous? Well, I tasted it, and I don't want it if this is the price to pay!"

"I can understand that, the price to pay is usually bigger that the lightweight item you buy."

Saying that she pointed at her beautifull tulle dress that had her shiverring in the chilling up evening. We laughed and we were called to join everybody on the dancefloor. We danced like crazy until I couldn't breathe, so I went for a little walk and bumped into Roman.

"Quite a change you went through!"

"So did you. You're finally out. I should probably ask you for pardon. I was a quite a nasty kid."

"Yeah, I used to hate you quite a lot. Guess, I should have been more mature. Or just honest."

"I guess getting bullied by your best friends little brother wasn't helping."

"I must admit I secretly wished you became gay and eat your shit."

"Fair enough. I though I was gay at one point. I tried out some guys, but it turns out I'm just an ordinary straight chap. I really love her."

"And she surely loves you. Gosh, when she was nasty to you I felt a lot of satisfaction. But now she is the sweetest thing. I'm really happy for you!"

"Me too. She made me go through hell. But it was all worth it. I'm just happy now. And I changed. I feel like I'm a better person."

"You always was a good chap, just a bit mean."

"I'm trying hard to be better. Just so you know. When I went through my gay period, I thought a lot about you. You were my role model in a way. I wished you would be here."

"I hope I could have helped you through that, but I'm affraid I wouldn't be of much help. I haven't it all figured out yet. I just recently experienced my straightcurious period."

"Oh, really? What about that handsome boy of yours. You are quite a mediatic couple. I tried to keep secret I knew you. Guess it's all over now that you showed up here."

"I guess it's all over with him!"

"No, I meant my privacy about knowing you. Wait, what? You seemed happy in those interviews!"

"Well, I guess it's a lot about how the press puts it. I mean, I felt happy for a while. But it's more complicated than I thought. More than two persons are involved in that couple and not just people. It's a very drugs and fame induced relationship. I think I need a break of all of this. I'm affraid the time I'm supposed to spend in Slovakia has been exhausted. Time to move along."

"I'm sorry to hear that. If it helps, I have a friend who's looking for a flatmate in a week or so. In London. It's just for the summer. But it could be a quick fix. I know how it feels to be lost. I found myself in music."

"And you're damn good at it. That plan about London actually sounds real good. Could you hook me up?"

"Sure. You must just promise me you will not hit on him. He has a boyfriend."

"No worries, I don't want to hit on anyone at all."

"I'm joking. You're free to do what you want. He's single and is around your age. He used to teach me guitar and other stuff."

"I'm impatient to hear all about that. Anyways, thank you for offering help. I really appreciate it."

The bridesmaid just came to pick us up to do the traditional  bride kidnapping. And the wedding night went on as new options openened for me.

 XIII✮Take off.

We danced the night away. I have seen love. Felt love. I understood, that everything was possible. Life was to be built up from the scraps that are given to us. I was given some talents. An eye as some say. Simple personality. Easy learning languages and non conformity. It suddenly appeared to me again, that I couldn't be happy in here. I had to change again.

So the next day, I wrote to Roman's friend Bruno and luckily for me the room was still free and we arranged for me to come over within a week. Once again I was leaving my homecountry. I was leaving behind lovers and a quasi career. I was somehow leaving my friends and family, although I knew they would always be a part of me and my life. No matter how long I wouldn't see them, the feeling remain the same. It is like love. Love is an eternal moment. When you feel it, it is like eternity although it only lasts a moment in time.

I called to work to say I wouldn't come anymore. I had no news from Kamil and Maya. They didn't seek me and I didn't want to update them or have an update on them. I discussed with Kelly, who was rather disappointed I wasn't coming back to Paris, but was happy we could make trips to the North of France together. Also, she met someone, and I so much want to see the guy. She sounds completely transformed. It's positive and frightening at the same time. I'm affraid to loose her now that she found herself. She might not need me. I might never find myself.

Somehow all my feelings were burned in my travelling fever. Getting everything ready. Of course I had to pack all my clothes for at least a year in advance. Also some books and sketchbooks. No Visas needed, that is already much better than when I was leaving for France in early 2004, just before we entered European Union. I only realised lastminute.com taht I needed visas and it was a hell. But got through all of it. Also my plane was rescheduled three times and my dad put plenty of sweeties in all my pockets, so I felt like a sugar mule!

Now, I am at the beautiful renewed Bratislava Airport at the coffee with mom and dad, hoping they won't stab each other once I pass the control. A high school friend popped in just to give me a USB key with a special London playlist and Roman showed up with some things for Bruno.

As I hugged mom, I felt how her breathing changed and how she silently started crying. My dad stayed strong, we spent most of our lives apart. We are used to this. Roman smiled and winked with both his thumbs up. And my vision was too covered in tears to see what my friend was looking like as she hugged my mom.

I walked through the controls, taking everything down. They made me open my talcum and powdered my hand with it. What if it was toxic to enhale? I don't get it. But, probably that is the reason why I'm not a security guy. I bought myself a bottle of water and some Slovak biscuits. Then I waited at the gate and observed the people around me. All sorts of people. Slovak tourists, foreign tourists, Slovaks living in Britain, Brittons working in Slovakia. All sizes and shapes. All styles. Thank you Ryan air for this collection of diversity transported on one plane. Transported towards somenthing. Transported from something. Temporarily or as a final destination. A melting pot.

My feelings were puzzled. I had to leave my country eight years ago to become who I was. Come out, discover fashion, art and beauty. Even understand the beauty of my own land through what I learned in France. What French thought me. Than I had to break up completely and come back to see, this wasn't my final destination, or not just yet. A new land was needed, a new perspective. My mind was not open enough yet. I had to grow in a different way. Apart from the ones and the things I knew. I had to start again. Build my self all over on the basis of what I discovered of myself so far.

I stood in the queue for boarding. I stood in another queue to get to the plane. My tears dried. Fear came big on me, so did hope. I tried to not give in to any of them. I sat in the narrow plane and got ready to take off. Slowly rolling. Taking speed...

Up we go! Towards a new chapter of my life. Maybe a different one. Maybe the same one in a different colour. Maybe just the: to be continued...