Everytime I smoke Marlboro Lights, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. My brain shoots out a range of existential questions.
I'm on a terasse in a pop-up club in Palais de Tokyo. Summer is over and Paris Fashion Week just ended. One last party before heading to Japan for a couple of presentations. I look around as my nervous assistant starts towards me:
"I need to go now,you should go as well! We have our plane at ten tomorrow."
"Don't worry dear, just pick me up on your way to the airport."
"I'l be at yours at seven, all right? Please, be ready!"
"No problem, Helen, you can count on me!"
"Sure..." she rolled her eyes in a complete and utmost disdain, " have a good rest of the night!"
We kissed and she walked back into the room and then out through the other end.
I lit another cigarette, wanting to enjoy the first autumn chills, looking over the city of lights. The reflections of the lamps on the shimmering surface of Seine river. Whispering of the autumn leaves.
Suddenly, someone poked my shoulder:
"Can I borrow your lighter?"
My look met a pair of dark brown eyes playing with both charm and humility. I just lit his cigarette without talking and smiled over his youth. He must have been barely eighteen, his perfectly bleached messy hair shining in the twilight over his tan skin and an all black oversized outfit. We silently smoked next to each other, shyly glancing at one another from time to time. As we finished, motionning inwards, I asked:
"Should we get a drink?"
"Gladly!" he answered with a cheeky grin.
We went inside, got a couple of drinks, danced a little. His moves were smooth and gracious. It wasn't clear to me what was going on. Maybe he was just alone in the party and needed company. Maybe he fancied me. I haven't ever spotted him before. We had a light and polite chat. After a few dances, his friends came over to tell him they were leaving.
"I need to go as well, anyaway. It was lovely meeting you!"
"Do you mind me walking you home?" he unexpectedly asked.
"I live in the Marais, we can take a cab?"
I didn't even know how that got out of my mouth. I just wanted to say: no, go home, you're too young, fresh and delicious. But actually, few minutes later we were sitting together in a taxi on a short ride through an early Parisian night. I tried to be as relaxed as possible and left my hand loosely lying next to his. It didn't take seven seconds before he put his over mine. All I could think of was the burning heat coming from that tight palm, electrifying all of my skin. I led him by the hand to my appartment on the fourth floor of an old building. As we entered:
"Red wine?"
"Sure!"
I poured us two glasses and sat in the sofa, my bare feet folded under me. Still afraid to make the first move. Waiting to see if this was for real. He slowly approached me, took a sip of wine and looked around the flat. He stood up and walked to the window to look out for a while, observing the people walking home after a Sunday late drinks and dinners. I cautiously approached him, put my hand at his tight waist. He curled up under my arm and I found his face close to mine. I could feel his breath on my lips. He kissed me softly. Looking into my eyes for approval. I pressed him against me and his kisses became deeper, his hands running under my jumper.
We moved to my bed and enjoyed each other. Softly, impatiently and a bit clumsily. As it goes with a new lover. Exploring the unknown. Enjoying the new. Sinking into a sweet promise of happiness.
Past Participate: Tokyo bound
I'm hearing some nice music playing next to me.
"Babe, your phone is ringing."
What on Earth is that voice? I'm not an early bird. My brain makes natural connections from about 10 a.m. earliest. I have very vague memories of yesterday. I don't know yet what are my plans for the day. My room is too dark to recognise anything else than a bunch of blonde platine hair to my right. I feel him bend over me and hand me my ringing phone.
"Satie is a nice choice for a ringtone, but it doesn't effectively wake you up. Who is calling you at 6.30 in the morning?"
Good question. My eyes are too sore to see the caller ID.
"Yes, hello."
"Morning Jamie, just to remind you, that I'll be downstairs from your place at seven. Are you getting ready?"
"Sure thing, I'll be waiting for you downstairs."
My brain got a reboot and I remembered the flight for Japan.
"Beautiful boy?"
"Ehmmm..." I tried to hug his divine body and whisper in his ear to wake him up.
"We gotta go, I'm really sorry. I got a plane to catch."
"Can't you just leave me here?"
"I gotta lock the door."
"Oh, you're a pain in the bum."
"I hope not, really!"
"No, not really!" He giggled and kissed my cheek and I felt like never leaving him but he pushed me out of bed, "don't be late, your boss is waiting!"
"She's my assistant!"
He rolled back under the blanket and I went for a shower. It hit me again. As every morning, I cry a little in my shower. It has been years now, but the regret still gets under my skin. Mostly in the shower. All my body gets relaxed and my mind remembers there are some unsolved things from the past. The memory of Aaron. How it ended. What I did. What he did. I want the pain to go away. I want to be able to be with someone, fully. Maybe just to be completely myself with myself.
After I put my face back together I grab some last things to pack in my luggage. Just on time I ask the guy in my bed to dress up and come with me downstairs. Once again I get the chance to see his fully naked beauty. No filter. No artifice. His sun whipped skin is tense on his high and sleek figure. His muscles jump up and down as he dresses up hastily. He looks up to me and grabs one of my bags.
"Let me help you."
He's terribly cute. Helen is already loosing her patience in the taxi at my front door.
"What is he doing here?"
"You mean, who is he?"
"No, darling, I know who he is. All Paris knows who he is. The questions is how did you get him to your bed. Wait, I have another question."
"What?"
"Wait, let me google it. Just a minute. There. Yeah, there it is. You're safe, he just celebrated his 18.th birthday a week ago. All legal."
"How do you know him?"
"He's one of the youngest solists of Paris Opera, how do you not know that?"
"You didn't know Gianvito Rossi when we met, and look at you now!"
As she rolled her eyes, I rolled down the window to say goodbye to my young 'prodige'
"So, when are you back?"
"In a weeks time. Here's my number. Keep in touch!"
"Bon voyage!"
And I was still looking at his wide silent smile as the taxi was pulling off.
Past participate: bumpy landing
Going to Japan is always tricky, as it was a country I had no interest in before meeting Aaron. It was his obsession, his refuge. The mangas, anime, sushi, the culture, style and he was fluent in the language. While we were together, we were too poor to go together. But after we broke up and my career took up, I travelled a few times for fashion work, always thinking of him, of us. Of how we could enjoy this trip together!
To my grand astonishment, as we got out of the plane and after the customs into the arrival hall, I saw Aarons face everywhere, literally!
"Helen? Do we know anything about this?" there were posters with Aarons face everywhere. After we broke up, his career took off as well and he's giving concerts all around the World. It appears, he's on a Japanese tour, right now.
"Shoot, ehm, I was supposed to tell you that, his manager called me last week, as they thought we would be here and tonight we are invited to the concert. I so forgot to tell this to you. You do want to go, right? Because I do!"
"See, even you're in love with him. How could I not be?"
The imminence of seeing him again put me into a paralyzing state of anxiety. I could work on autopilote mode for the full day, as we just needed to check into the office and vaguely prepare the silhouettes for tomorrow's shooting.
But my brain was on overheat. We never met in five years since I moved out of our flat. I never came back to see him, I never saw his concert in person, just some youtube footages as he must have come along some of my editorials. I mean, I guess, I have no idea. Except few phone calls and a minimum of birthday wishes through facebook, we completely lost touch with each other.
How was I going to face him after the concert. I mean, all I ever wished to happen was this very moment. Meet again and be cured. But am I cured? Sometimes I'm still angry, sometimes I still feel like I love him. The memory of his body under my hands. The sound of his voice when we talked for hours. The ring of his laughter on the better days. The cutting pain of his tears on the worse days. His music. Me dressing him up. I miss it all. I still think he is the best person I have ever been with and I am so, so proud of how far he made it.
But I am so angry at our break up, how he let me down the spiral.I started dating other guys when he was out of town, but never did anything more than a kiss. I went paranoiac about him. I threw my bag at his face..and than he asked me to leave. I had nothing but a friends couch for option, but he asked me to leave. He couldn't bare living with me anymore. He asked me to leave.
I fell ill, I lost weight and drowned myself in social life, alcohol and work...which was actually the key to success for me.
Tonigt is going to be the night. The meet up. I sent Helen to get us checked into the hotel after work and went myself to buy a large bouquet of multicoloured tulips.
One last cry in the shower before the big show.
Past participate: Stage door
The concert was wonderful. His performance was deeper and more mature, every note was sent into the air charged with an honest emotion. As he was bowing down, his manager came to us and brought us backstage. As I found myself in front of his door, Helen suddenly dissapeared with the manager and I was alone as he opened it. My oh, my, was he a treasure to see. His tight porcelain white skin showing a large smile of his perfectly straight teeth framed by soft large raspberry lips. His bright blue eyes shining fom under his blonde hair stuck to the artistic sweat on his forehead. I gave him the flowers, he brought them up to his face to smell the scent. His large nostrils opened up and his jaw muscles jumped up and down like I was used to see everytime he delighted in a perfume. He invited me in:
"Thank you for the flowers, they are delicious!"
"It's a pleasure, dear. Thank you for inviting me, I only found out today. I should fire my assistant for that!"
"It was so funny to make my manager contact your assistant, the times had changed. It's not like playing at Montreuil anymore and you're definitely not an intern in rue du Faubourg Saint-Denis."
"Those were the times!"
"There was some good about it. The small flat. A lot of sushi from my sushi shop. Some free shoes from your work..."
"And jeans, I loved those jeans! I did stop eating sushi though, for over a year. But I do have some of the best memories from that time. The pink moquette, the Habitat lamp, the white secretary, our teenage neighbour and her future gay friend singing Britney and Céline. The teracce and the occasional Japanese tourists."
"My sleeping pills!"
"Now that was the most terryfing night of my life, I was not ready, you had so amny visions!"
"It's all nice memories now. Look where we are, we are in Tokyo, both for work, it's crazy!"
"You know Aaron, I have to thank you for this. If you haven't given me the support you gave me in that year, working three jobs so that I could do my internship, I would have never made it. You gave me the chance of my life. Thank you. I'm sorry about how we ended, I'm sorry I stopped trying!"
My voice broke, and tears would get on the edge of y eyes without flowing out.
"It's good to hear that you appreciate what I did. It felt natural. I guess we both stopped trying. In the end, we were just not made to be together. But we gave a great try."
"That's what was beautiful about us. Even though we didn't fit together we tried to make it work. Nobody ever tried to make it work ever more. People give up on love so quickly!"
"There is so much love lost over pride!"
At that very moment all the feelings came back at me. His face lost in faraway thoughts a land I could never explore, as I would never be able to find the way to it.
"Aaron, I love you!"
"Oh, Jamie, I'm sorry, this is not why I called you here. I mean, I moved on. I... I am with someone, and, we are happy together!"
My heart broke for two reasons exactly, because he didn't understand the kind of love I was talking about and because this meant I was completely free of any emotional direction. I was not his anymore to love and he was not mine to dream about anymore.
"I don't mean it that way. It's just that I love who you are as a person, as an artist. I'm just happy I know you."
"You're sure? Because, I wanted to present you my boyfriend tonight. Would that be okay with you?"
"Yes, I'm totally buzzing. Can't wait to see him. Don't tell me anything. I want to make my own idea about him!"
"Are you sure you're all right with this, Jamie? I would totally understand if you said no, it's a lot to take in at once, after all these years of absence!"
"You know, today, I as I was waking up, before landing, I was just thinking that I hope one day we could just meet and being both resolved, both having our boyfriends and you know, just bump into each other and be happy about it!"
"Perfect, well, you'll see him in a few minutes, he's with my manager. We invite you for dinner. Can you wait for me while I get changed?"
"No problem, go on."
A weight was lifted, I was heartbrokenm but felt an infinite freedom and at that very moment, my phone beeped with a message:
"Hi my belated birthday present. I'm sorry I didn't write earlier, I was in rehearsal for two days. Just got home. Miss your smile. Hope Japan is treating you well. Stay golden!"
