Friday

Arnaud

Bordeaux, France, December 30th, 2001

I'm on my way back to uni in France after spending Christmas with my family in Slovakia. I'm in for a very busy semester, but on New Years Eve already, I'll see my beloved Arnaud. I was "only" gone for a week but I miss him already. Even though we have only been dating for a month now.
I remember how I fell in love with him. We were both at a Halloween party and haven't had an understanding of the french by then. Arnaud was sitting in a tight sweater and his large hands were hugging his girlfriend. I wished badly to switch places with her as I noticed his long fingers and meaty palms caress her curvy body. Arnaud and me exchanged some loathing stares and proceeded to enjoy ourselves separately.
With time we became very good friends. Shortly after, he broke up with his girlfriend. He wasn't important to her and that troubled him a lot. I recall the 1st of December, it was a Saturday. There was a huge party going on. Everybody, no exceptions,  got drunk. In this enivrating atmosphere,  we suddenly found ourselves dancing a slow dance, hugging each other with Arnaud. It felt very surprising and new. He was half a head shorter than me.  His strong arms were locked around me and his shoulders and head were resting on my chest. Out of nowhere he squeezed my but. I freaked out and pushed him away. But he pushed me and I fell into the sofa. I was scared. My brain froze and reused to restart. He jumped on top of me with a laugh that slowly wore out. We were looking into each others eyes. His gaze was actually burning me. He took my head into his beautiful hands and started kissing me with his full soft lips. I slightly opened my mouth just to feel his tongue tangle with mine. I felt so happy tears started running out of my eyes, so did Arnaud's. It made us laugh. We spent the rest of the evening holding hands and smiling at each other.
When I woke up in the morning he was just coming out of the shower only dressed with a towel. That's when I realised his bodily beauty. He has a square face with a pointy strong chin. His lips are full and separated by a straight line turning upwards in the corners. His nose is straight with clear nostrils. His eyes are sharply cut out of his darker skin, they are brown. His thick eyebrows have a gorgeous line similar to to his irregular hairline on top of his angular front. His hair is short and light brown, it sits messy around his face. His strong neck widens into his muscly shoulders and follows up with worked out arms. His round chest continues into a perfect set of muscles on his belly and then turns into a large back trained by years of dancing. From underneath his towel,  tightly wrapped around his solid ass, appear his long beautifully shaped legs finished by healthy feet with straight toes. He has straight goldish hair on his forearms and legs as well as a line  of it coming up to his belly button.
He jumped next to me in bed and put his head on me and hugged me around the waist. I hugged his still moist shoulders and played with his wet hair and face. I drawed his forehead and eyes with my fingers. I played with his warm wet lips and his tongue played with my fingers...I didn't let him go further and neither did he. Neither have I any other man before.
Right now, I'm just impatient to see him,  his sense of humour,  how he will smile. I can't wait to see him squint his eyes and little wrinkles will appear around them. He will uncover his teeth, his lips will tend and dimples will show up on his cheeks. I imagine how he will rehearse for his dance show and I will study for my exams besides him. Then we will sit in a Caffè with friends and classmates. He will drink a beer, there will be some foam  left on his upper lip and he will lick it off with his large tongue.
It's Sunday and he will come back to town tomorrow, for New Year's Eve. The dorms are already full. Everybody is back from holidays,  even Rob, my British roommate, he tried to hit on me several times already. He's a bear and he is high on downloading porn from the Internet. I packed out and went to salute the town. It's dark already.  All the places are cracking with people celebrating as long as they can!  The trees and roofs are powdered with light snow. The streets and the squares are wet. There are thousands of lights in the streets and the windows. I'm walking around with a cigarette in my mouth and I bump into few classmates singing and dancing in the square.  I'm standing by them when my phone rings with a message.  It's Arnaud: "Would you mind turning around,  love? " 
I turn around and there he is, all wrapped up in a scarf up to his ears with his whole handsome face smiling. I'm the happiest person alive! I'm standing here, on a beautiful evening,  in front of the man I love and who loves me! I shout "Ahoy" and we run towards each other. We don't know whether to kiss or to hug first.  So we strongly embrace,  kiss and turn in a round. We stayed with our friends. As he finished his cigarette, he turned to me and said: "Come over to my place, I have a surprise!" We went to his place. All along the way there we held around our hips and talked about our past holidays. Arnaud has a beautiful little appartment. You enter a hall/living room , then comes a corridor with a kitchen and a toilet with a shower. Behind the corridor is his large room with a double bed and a small terasse.
He sat me in the living room and put on some slow jazz music that appeared to my ears to be the most beautiful melody in the world.  He lit some candles and went to his room. After a short while,  he came back with a package. I opened it and it was a book of theatre comedies, that I wanted for quite some time. I didn't have his present with me but he didn't mind.  I was very happy. Arnaud opened a bottle of wine and poured us two glasses. We were sipping on the wine and talking about how his show is already on the 13th of January. That means the next to weeks he will spend most of his time at the theater,  which is alright with me as I love to dance while he rehearses a I love to see such a beautiful human dance.  We didn't stay at talking for long. Only wine glasses stayed alone on the table. We were hugging and kissing. Along with his hands streams of heat were running up and down my body. Our legs mingled and suddenly all we had on were pants. Our burning bodies were pushing against each other and our hands were caressing the other's body. We moved to the bedroom where Arnaud gave me a massage and we made love, long and beautifully. Excitement and joy simultaneously envaded all my entire body.
When I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw Arnaud observing me sitting naked in a large wicker chair. His rounded muscles were harmoniously distributed on his tight body. Every bend of his skin irregularly lit by the moonlight was smooth and gorgeous. The vision of his eyes and smile put my heart in my throat. The look at his body stiffened all of my body. I walked across to him, wrapped in a blanket. I kissed him and he caressed my face. I sat between his legs,  which he locked around me. I leaned my naked back against his bare chest. He hugged my shoulders and I held and caressed his arms until he fell asleep. For a while I kept on thinking about him,  all his beauty and his grandeur.

Midnight motel

Austin, Texas,  February 2003

"You see, I realised through the years, that I couldn't talk to men. But only now do I realise,  how hard it is to talk about them.  All my life, I avoided becoming their prey. I didn't give in to the charms of the forbidden fruit that is love between two men. I found it disgusting and most importantly unnatural, against God. Yes, there were some who attracted me, but I couldn't love them. Not the way one loves women...
Excuse me, miss. I didn't plan on talking about myself. I came here for obvious reasons. To releive myself. But then you said... You said: ' Let's make love!'.
You will excuse me, but I am not capable of that. Not after what I've been through.
I was hopeless. I was alone. I was without love. Truth be told, I wasn't. I didn't exist.  Then,  one day, he showed up. He joined my friends and me on a night out. It was strange. In the beginning, I saw him as a pretentious guy from a small town. But as the night progressed, I started finding him interesting. He was handsome, I guess he still is. Witty and sweet.
When we met him the following day, I felt all of his presence. Even if I wasn't looking at him,  I felt his body and his movements. I heard his voice even when he was not talking. I didn't consider him an object of sexual desire, or someone who I would fantasise about. I desired to get to know him. To find out what is it about him. How is he. What are his opinions. What does he like to eat. What music he enjoys. Which is his favourite city. His favourite color. 
But, I missed his name and in the two days he stayed in our town,  I never got the courage to ask for it, much less to ask for his number.  So, I spent a long time only thinking about him. The image of him would get in my way all the time : at work, during family time, party time, even in my sleep. From April to July I had dreamless nights full of fantasies about him. I started to loose his image from my mind. In the beginning of the summer,  I decided to go and get to know him.  And that is what happened.
I took a summer job in his townWe spent July together. We went out,  talked a lot and we became best of friends.  At mid August the ice broke. We spent the night together and we really made love. Not physically. Mentally. We were there for each other. Willing to sacrifice. Willing to show ourselves to the world and face all the disagreements people couldn't understand or would judge at least. It was just the two of us in the whole world! Full of hope and love.
In the morning I woke up and all was gone. Most importantly, he was gone. With my education, my lifestyle and my principles I still got rid off all my prejudices for him. Fear have left me. I didn't mind the misunderstanding of my parents. Because I loved him. I loved him. I LOVED HIM. That is why I pardon him. I pardon his fear, his cowardice,  his lack of trust,  his rudeness and even the fact that he left me alone in the world again. He knew what he meant to me. I knew he would be able to do anything for me, anything but to love me.
Love is sad and uncompromising. Love is cheeky and limitless. Love doesn't ask you for your type. She doesn't ask if you want a happy one or a sad one. That vain villain doesn't even ask if you want a man or a woman. Just one day, out of nowhere she puts someone in your life and you cannot get rid of that person anymore. They take all of your life,  your passion,  your dreams and goals. Suddenly, all that you long for is to be with that being. See, hear, feel and sense them. Love is the greatest joy and sadness at the same time. She is terrible. She takes away your freedom and incidentally gives you so much of it all at the same time.
So now I'm sitting here. I'm looking at you and I'm wondering what is worse.  To be in love or to be alone? To worry for someone or to be afraid of nothingness? I...I cannot take it anymore! "

The man's cigarette was finished. He threw it into the ashtray. He stood up and put his coat on. He threw the money on the bed and left.
The woman laid alone in a poorly lit motel room. She laid there and she couldn't move. She never ever saw that man. She never came back to that motel. She went away and left the money laying on the bed.