Midnight motel

Austin, Texas,  February 2003

"You see, I realised through the years, that I couldn't talk to men. But only now do I realise,  how hard it is to talk about them.  All my life, I avoided becoming their prey. I didn't give in to the charms of the forbidden fruit that is love between two men. I found it disgusting and most importantly unnatural, against God. Yes, there were some who attracted me, but I couldn't love them. Not the way one loves women...
Excuse me, miss. I didn't plan on talking about myself. I came here for obvious reasons. To releive myself. But then you said... You said: ' Let's make love!'.
You will excuse me, but I am not capable of that. Not after what I've been through.
I was hopeless. I was alone. I was without love. Truth be told, I wasn't. I didn't exist.  Then,  one day, he showed up. He joined my friends and me on a night out. It was strange. In the beginning, I saw him as a pretentious guy from a small town. But as the night progressed, I started finding him interesting. He was handsome, I guess he still is. Witty and sweet.
When we met him the following day, I felt all of his presence. Even if I wasn't looking at him,  I felt his body and his movements. I heard his voice even when he was not talking. I didn't consider him an object of sexual desire, or someone who I would fantasise about. I desired to get to know him. To find out what is it about him. How is he. What are his opinions. What does he like to eat. What music he enjoys. Which is his favourite city. His favourite color. 
But, I missed his name and in the two days he stayed in our town,  I never got the courage to ask for it, much less to ask for his number.  So, I spent a long time only thinking about him. The image of him would get in my way all the time : at work, during family time, party time, even in my sleep. From April to July I had dreamless nights full of fantasies about him. I started to loose his image from my mind. In the beginning of the summer,  I decided to go and get to know him.  And that is what happened.
I took a summer job in his townWe spent July together. We went out,  talked a lot and we became best of friends.  At mid August the ice broke. We spent the night together and we really made love. Not physically. Mentally. We were there for each other. Willing to sacrifice. Willing to show ourselves to the world and face all the disagreements people couldn't understand or would judge at least. It was just the two of us in the whole world! Full of hope and love.
In the morning I woke up and all was gone. Most importantly, he was gone. With my education, my lifestyle and my principles I still got rid off all my prejudices for him. Fear have left me. I didn't mind the misunderstanding of my parents. Because I loved him. I loved him. I LOVED HIM. That is why I pardon him. I pardon his fear, his cowardice,  his lack of trust,  his rudeness and even the fact that he left me alone in the world again. He knew what he meant to me. I knew he would be able to do anything for me, anything but to love me.
Love is sad and uncompromising. Love is cheeky and limitless. Love doesn't ask you for your type. She doesn't ask if you want a happy one or a sad one. That vain villain doesn't even ask if you want a man or a woman. Just one day, out of nowhere she puts someone in your life and you cannot get rid of that person anymore. They take all of your life,  your passion,  your dreams and goals. Suddenly, all that you long for is to be with that being. See, hear, feel and sense them. Love is the greatest joy and sadness at the same time. She is terrible. She takes away your freedom and incidentally gives you so much of it all at the same time.
So now I'm sitting here. I'm looking at you and I'm wondering what is worse.  To be in love or to be alone? To worry for someone or to be afraid of nothingness? I...I cannot take it anymore! "

The man's cigarette was finished. He threw it into the ashtray. He stood up and put his coat on. He threw the money on the bed and left.
The woman laid alone in a poorly lit motel room. She laid there and she couldn't move. She never ever saw that man. She never came back to that motel. She went away and left the money laying on the bed.