Showing posts with label lgbtqi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lgbtqi. Show all posts

Tuesday

Christmas in Paris


Bratislava, 23rd December 2019

Since his mom passed away, Sven got used to spending Christmas in one of his sister's respective families. But this year it felt a bit more lonely and he'd rather be alone than lonely. He treated himself to a trip to Paris. The city where his love life began over a decade ago, the city he fled years ago with a broken heart.

So, on he morning of 24th December he took a cab to Vienna and flew to Paris for a one-on-one romantic trip with himself.

It was hectic as usual, actually, worse with the strikes, it was a Christmas miracle that his plane didn't get cancelled.

But Paris is always magic, sometimes it smells of loneliness and hopeless romantics but it always transpires reassuring beauty. He left his luggage, far too large for a one week stay, at the airb'n'b near Montmartre and went for a walk, lit a candle for all his loved ones in the Sacré-Coeur Basilica.

He got asked for directions by an elderly lady, who happened to be Slovak, just like him and was visiting Paris in memory of her departed husband. It was where they went for their honeymoon before the Russian invasion to Czechoslovakia in the end of the 1960's. She was very fond of her memories and felt like being closer to one she loved by walking again in the footsteps they marked together decades before. She reminded Sven, how much he believed in romance and love.

In the evening he went back to the apartment, got a quick shower and was about to leave for  diner in a local brewery, just as someone knocked at the door.

There, in front of him,  was standing the largest, cutest human mountain Sven ever saw in his life. The large shouldered man was looking for Marie, the owner of the flat, but by the time he finished the request, he figured out she went home for Christmas and rented the place. He was just a neighbor looking to borrow some sugar. What were the chances?!

For Sven the 24th, Christmas Eve was the most important time to be together, as is the tradition in Slovakia, so he suggested the boy next door wouldn't eat alone and he invited him to join him for diner.

The lovely neighbor was a local firefighter named Ali, he was on duty over Christmas as he didn't have a family of his own. The diner went nicely and they talked a lot about most things, concerning family, hobbies and dreams. On their way back, he surprised Sven and took him to a dance studio of which he had the keys and they danced for a few songs, improvising together, acquainting their bodies under the melodies of a piano and violins.

They parted for the night as Ali was of working early the next day, but promised, they would meet later in the evening.

As a matter of surprise, all three of Sven's siblings decided to travel to their Christmas Holidays destinations through Paris on Christmas day, so they had a lunch all together with their families and kids, although the kids were rather calmly playing in the corner. He mentioned Ali to his sisters and brother and they chuckled, used to his volatile crushes. Although, Sven wasn't even realizing yet he was having a crush, he was just enjoying someone's presence and his kind uplifting conversation.

As everyone left for their own destination, Sven spent another afternoon walking about Paris, bathing in the undeniable mid-century atmosphere of Saint-Germain-des-Près, watching Notre-Dame de Paris from a distance and crossing to Marais through the picturesque medieval streets.

Come the evening he had food on his own and watched a Netflix movie curled up in big blankets with a large cup of hot chocolate. He was a little worried, but he thought to himself that Christmas would be the one day where Ali would end up working more than 12 hours in a row.

Finally, around 11, he appeared at the door, very apologetic and exhausted. Sven, already half asleep, automatically grabbed Ali by his hand and led him to the sofa to curl up together. It wasn't until they were both laying down and spooning that they realized this was a bit inappropriate and hushed, but it felt too good and they were both too tired to protest against their own feelings.

They talked a little about their days and Ali invited him for a family meal the next day. Sven was accepting the fact that this was turning into an ideal holiday: on his own to explore and breathe in the ambiance of Paris during the day and evenings spent in the strong arms of a warmhearted giant; talking about dreams, hopes and the memories that built them up.

The next day they went to see Ali's parents, not particularly traditional, but enjoying the free day to see their kids and their families, they were a big family and they were all intrigued with this tall blonde stranger their brother brought over. The food was delicious, somewhat more simple than what they would eat these days in a restaurant, but all the tastes had more savor. Their grandparents moved to France from different parts of North Africa and they inherited a mix of culinary traditions that were a poem to the senses. They spend a lovely day altogether and then spread into their homes.

Ali and Sven went for a walk by the river, now that the banks of Seine are a pedestrian zone, they could cross the entire town, enjoy the Eiffel Tower, Palais de Tokyo, the sights of Grand Palais, Tuileries and Louvre...the cobbles were shining wet with an all day drizzle and the two started getting closer and closer, holding hands, rubbing shoulders and throwing stealthy looks in each other's direction, craving to taste each others lips.

After a walk so long it would make their legs hurt, were they not walking on a fluffy cloud of falling for each other, they passionately kissed back at the apartment. They kissed and hugged and then decided to sleep separately. 

The next day Sven had to work from home while Ali was on duty. Both had at the same time the longest and the shortest day ever. They kept thinking of each other and burned with impatience which made the day feel a bit longer, but once they met in the evening the whole day seemed just a split second away from the moment they parted ways the previous night.

Sven cooked a simple diner and they planned to listen to each others music and drink wine. Shortly into the music session, their bodies moved in closer and their skins started longing for the others touch. First came kissing, then hugging, caressing each other under the clothes, undressing, exploring the bodies with touch, smell and taste. They dedicated a few unexpected hours to foreplay before falling asleep exhausted with joy, their bodies tangled on the bed.

The next day, while Ali was at work, Sven went to see 'Modern Times' for the first time in a cinema with his best friend who was finally back from a family holiday. They went shopping for books. By accident, they bumped into Sven's ex-boyfriend. He was quite apprehending this would have happened, trying their luck by going to the library where they used to buy their books together. It all went smoothly, just a handful of polite exchanges and best wishes. The past became distant, emotions became memories and frustrations evaporated like the morning mist.

That night Ali, Sven, his best friend and his husband all went for a beer to a local bar by their house. It all felt natural, being there, talking to each other about nothing and everything. Feeling human, special and unimportant at the same time. Belonging to life. Being part of a clique. Becoming one with the joyful nonsensical noise of a Parisian night. 

That night, they gave in: no more resistance and reasoning. No more anxious referrals of the desire that was connecting them. They made love, body and mind, horny, romantic, rough at times, long and quick, passionate and calm, balanced and extrapolated. They cried a little, they laughed a lot. Had accidents, fell asleep and went at it again when they woke up in the middle of the night and the next morning. They were revivified with a new energy and they were so tired their lungs felt like running a marathon and so did their legs and bellies. The bin was full of condoms and the tube of lube was empty. 

From 'him and another one', they transformed into 'they', together.

Sunday was the day Sven was meant to go home, also Marie was coming back to Paris and her flat was no longer available. Ali invited him to stay over another week, work from home and spend the New Year together.

Sven switched tickets and cancelled his New Year's plans in Bratislava with his friends, promising to make up for it.

The two following days went on calmly, a rather dull old couple life, with both working during the day and slipper in front of the TV at night. Sven met Marie and they decided to go to watch the Fireworks on Champ de Mars while Ali was working helping out with the security.

Somehow they managed to meet up a few minutes before midnight and hug through the countdown then kiss as best wishes for the New Year were flying in the night sky just like the fireworks. Then Ali disappeared and Sven got carried away by the crowd. 

The noises of the fireworks exploding started melting with the chatter of the people and the dark night became suddenly a bright neon light. The voices around him became more and more familiar until he finally opened his eyes. All his siblings turned their heads away from the window and looked at him with disbelief. A tall guy, looking a lot like Ali, just walked into the room. The lady he met the first night in Paris was laying on the bed in the other corner of the room.

Sven could not talk, he just woke up after  eight days in a coma. He never got to Paris, he got into a car accident as soon as he left his place in Bratislava. The guy looking like Ali was the first medic at the spot of the accident, during those days he came in regularly after work to tell Sven different stories and keep him company while his siblings had to go home to their kids.

Saturday

Sven

May 2011

Yesterday,  I saw a man on the tube. He made me believe I had the choice and the possibility to find the man of my dreams. Tall, natural,  having very large shoulders.  I stared at his impressive chest and from time to time got lost in his lovely, clean cut face.

June 2011

That little moment, when you're in the other one's arms and you believe this could last forever. An everlasting moment. To love. 'Aimer!'

1st January 2012

Even by the weak lighting of your cell phone's screen, the corners of your lips facing downwards in a tired smile you are beautiful and the warmth of your body brings me joy.
----
"You piss me off when you refuse me for reasons I have no influence over..."

"You make me angry, for my presence alone isn't enough to take away all of your anger..."
----
I would like to have a garden where I would plant a tree and watch it grow.

2nd January 2012

I want to have a picture of him in order to touch myself while looking at him. A picture of his chest with his smiling face. Another one of his legs, bare legs.
----
I wank to last longer.
----
Yesterday night, as I was coming back from his place, I heard "Stairway to heaven". I kept on listening to the song all night long.
----
On the tube I read my texts from 12th September 2011, Jacob locked himself out of his apartment. He sent me a message from someone else's phone. He ended up sleeping at my place.
----
A guy on the tube, talking to himself:
"One sees all that happens in a mirror."
----
Up to date since last angry erasing of messages last spring:
RMS: 1235 SMS
Jacob: 1209 SMS
Cookie (my sister): 197 SMS
After that, it goes under 100
Birdie: 69 (obviously, sexy maniac)
Chick : 48
Victor: 47
Lars and Cinderella, each: 43
Jordan: 33
Lizard: 22
----
Berko cupcakes- strawberry&pistachio
----
'Le Rugby' closed it's iron curtain, it's 1:45 a.m.

3rd January 2012

I am terribly angry at myself, because my presence alone is not enough to carry away all your pains.
----
His need of solitude is an unbearable rejection to me.
----
I don't know how to manage him...
----
Yellow leather gloves♡♡♡
----
It's always pleasant to be called "my little jewel" by Claude Montana on a corner of a street.
----
I very much wish to find an actual need to cry!!!
----
I love you to an unconcievable extent-I couldn't loose you, I couldn't live without you, I couldn't breathe without having you close to me.
----
I despise every second I spend away from you!
----
There is something insane about this need of mine to constantly be with him and be loved by him.
----
Sitting down at RM's bathroom. Lights are off. The only light is coming through the window from the neighbours across the courtyard. I'm bathing in the sounds from the busy street. Completely in the center of life,  but hidden away from it's eyes.

4th January 2012

"Why do gays always go towards the beautiful things? " A.E.
----
"Go, see someone and come back to offer me a tomorrow!"
Charlotte Marin,  in 'PSY'
----
Appreciating the enlacement of a cold wind like a tender and powerful hug.

5th January 2012

The small void metallic sound a coin makes when it falls into the box in a church to allow you to burn a candle.  An automated sound permitting you to buy out your sins and calm down your fears.
----
Every now and then, I see a guy running in the halls of the tube. I find him attractive in his hurry and I want to tell him I love him. I love him because he is hurrying up in order to meet up with someone.
----
"The age gap is not important. We meet a person that wakes our interest.  That human is unique, there are no copies of him existing anywhere else in the world,  not one that would be five years older or younger. So, you either accept them with their actual age, or you have to look for another original one."
Maxim E. Matkin, in 'Not on the lips'

6th January 2012

Out of context:
"Our love requires to be the only necessary condition for our loved one to feel fulfilled and safe."
----
"I am a warm bubble. "
----
Metallic lockers instead of a cloakroom
----
Sometimes you need to turn on the light or get closer, just to realise the door is open.

February 2012

Who did I try to fool? It is all in my hands, and my hands feel empty without him and empty with him. He is slipping through my fingers. All of his devotion was just my imagination.

14th February 2012, 23:35

It's Valentine's Day.
To get past midnight without telling him I still love him. That I love him forever.
Another day without you...it is pure torture!

31st March 2012, RER

What is the aim of writing?
I want to write! Why? To leave a trace? To auto-psychoanalyse? To inform and wake others up? To feel accomplished...

5th April 2012

"I can choose as long as you decide for me!"

Wednesday

Past participate: Night before



Everytime I smoke Marlboro Lights, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. My brain shoots out a range of existential questions.

I'm on a terasse in a pop-up club in Palais de Tokyo. Summer is over and Paris Fashion Week just ended. One last party before heading to Japan for a couple of presentations. I look around as my nervous assistant starts towards me:
"I need to go now,you should go as well! We have our plane at  ten tomorrow."
"Don't worry dear, just pick me up on your way to the airport."
"I'l be at yours at seven, all right? Please, be ready!"
"No problem, Helen, you can count on me!"
"Sure..." she rolled her eyes in a complete and utmost disdain, " have a good rest of the night!"
We kissed and she walked back into the room and then out through the other end.
I lit another cigarette, wanting to enjoy the first autumn chills, looking over the city of lights. The reflections of the lamps on the shimmering surface of Seine river. Whispering of the autumn leaves.

Suddenly, someone poked my shoulder:
"Can I borrow your lighter?"
My look met a pair of dark brown eyes playing with both charm and humility. I just lit his cigarette without talking and smiled over his youth. He must have been barely eighteen, his perfectly bleached messy hair  shining in the twilight over his tan skin and an all black oversized outfit. We silently smoked next to each other, shyly glancing at one another from time to time. As we finished, motionning inwards, I asked:
"Should we get a drink?"
"Gladly!" he answered with a cheeky grin.
We went inside, got a couple of drinks, danced a little. His moves were smooth and gracious. It wasn't clear to me what was going on. Maybe he was just alone in the party and needed company. Maybe he fancied me. I haven't ever spotted him before. We had a light and polite chat. After a few dances, his friends came over to tell him they were leaving.
"I need to go as well, anyaway. It was lovely meeting you!"
"Do you mind me walking you home?" he unexpectedly asked.
"I live in the Marais, we can take a cab?"

I didn't even know how that got out of my mouth. I just wanted to say: no, go home, you're too young, fresh and delicious. But actually, few minutes later we were sitting together in a taxi on a short ride through an early Parisian night. I tried to be as relaxed as possible and left my hand loosely lying next to his. It didn't take seven seconds before he put his over mine. All I could think of was the burning heat coming from that tight palm, electrifying all of my skin. I led him by the hand to my appartment on the fourth floor of an old building. As we entered:
"Red wine?"
"Sure!"
I poured us two glasses and sat in the sofa, my bare feet folded under me. Still afraid to make the first move. Waiting to see if this was for real. He slowly approached me, took a sip of wine and looked around the flat. He stood up and walked to the window to look out for a while,  observing the people walking home after a Sunday late drinks and dinners. I cautiously approached him, put my hand at his tight waist. He curled up under my arm and I found his face close to mine. I could feel his breath on my lips. He kissed me softly. Looking into my eyes for approval. I pressed him against me and his kisses became deeper, his hands running under my jumper.

We moved to my bed and enjoyed each other. Softly, impatiently and a bit clumsily. As it goes with a new lover. Exploring the unknown. Enjoying the new. Sinking into a sweet promise of happiness.



Past Participate: Tokyo bound

I'm hearing some nice music playing next to me.
"Babe, your phone is ringing."
What on Earth is that voice? I'm not an early bird. My brain makes natural connections from about 10 a.m. earliest. I have very vague memories of yesterday. I don't know yet what are my plans for the day. My room is too dark to recognise anything else than a bunch of blonde platine hair to my right. I feel him bend over me and hand me my ringing phone.
"Satie is a nice choice for a ringtone, but it doesn't effectively wake you up. Who is calling you at 6.30 in the morning?"
Good question. My eyes are too sore to see the caller ID.
"Yes, hello."
"Morning Jamie, just to remind you, that I'll be downstairs from your place at seven. Are you getting ready?"
"Sure thing, I'll be waiting for you downstairs."
My brain got a reboot and I remembered the flight for Japan.
"Beautiful boy?"
"Ehmmm..." I tried to hug his divine body and whisper in his ear to wake him up.
"We gotta go, I'm really sorry. I got a plane to catch."
"Can't you just leave me here?"
"I gotta lock the door."
"Oh, you're a pain in the bum."
"I hope not, really!"
"No, not really!" He giggled and kissed my cheek and I felt like never leaving him but he pushed me out of bed, "don't be late, your boss is waiting!"
"She's my assistant!"
He rolled back under the blanket and I went for a shower. It hit me again. As every morning, I cry a little in my shower. It has been years now, but the regret still gets under my skin. Mostly in the shower. All my body gets relaxed and my mind remembers there are some unsolved things from the past. The memory of Aaron. How it ended. What I did. What he did. I want the pain to go away. I want to be able to be with someone, fully. Maybe just to be completely myself with myself.
After I put my face back together I  grab some last things to pack in my luggage. Just on time I ask the guy in my bed to dress up and come with me downstairs. Once again I get the chance to see his fully naked beauty. No filter. No artifice. His sun whipped skin is tense on his high and sleek figure. His muscles jump up and down as he dresses up hastily. He looks up to me and grabs one of my bags.
"Let me help you."
He's terribly cute. Helen is already loosing her patience in the taxi at my front door.
"What is he doing here?"
"You mean, who is he?"
"No, darling, I know who he is. All Paris knows who he is. The questions is how did you get him to your bed. Wait, I have another question."
"What?"
"Wait, let me google it. Just a minute. There. Yeah, there it is. You're safe, he just celebrated his 18.th birthday a week ago. All legal."
"How do you know him?"
"He's one of the youngest solists of Paris Opera, how do you not know that?"
"You didn't know Gianvito Rossi when we met, and look at you now!"
As she rolled her eyes, I rolled down the window to say goodbye to my young 'prodige'
"So, when are you back?"
"In a weeks time. Here's my number. Keep in touch!"
"Bon voyage!"
And I was still looking at his wide silent smile as the taxi was pulling off.



Past participate: bumpy landing

Going to Japan is always tricky, as it was a country I had no interest in before meeting Aaron. It was his obsession, his refuge. The mangas, anime, sushi, the culture, style and he was fluent in the language. While we were together, we were too poor to go together. But after we broke up and my career took up, I travelled a few times for fashion work, always thinking of him, of us. Of how we could enjoy this trip together!

To my grand astonishment, as we got out of the plane and after the customs into the arrival hall, I saw Aarons face everywhere, literally!
"Helen? Do we know anything about this?" there were posters with Aarons face everywhere. After we broke up, his career took off as well and he's giving concerts all around the World. It appears, he's on a Japanese tour, right now.
"Shoot, ehm, I was supposed to tell you that, his manager called me last week, as they thought we would be here and tonight we are invited to the concert. I so forgot to tell this to you. You do want to go, right? Because I do!"
"See, even you're in love with him. How could I not be?"
The imminence of seeing him again put me into a paralyzing state of anxiety. I could work on autopilote mode for the full day, as we just needed to check into the office and vaguely prepare the silhouettes for tomorrow's shooting.
But my brain was on overheat. We never met in five years since I moved out of our flat. I never came back to see him, I never saw his concert in person, just some youtube footages as he must have come along some of my editorials. I mean, I guess, I have no idea. Except few phone calls and a minimum of birthday wishes through facebook, we completely lost touch with each other.
How was I going to face him after the concert. I mean, all I ever wished to happen was this very moment. Meet again and be cured. But am I cured? Sometimes I'm still angry, sometimes I still feel like I love him. The memory of his body under my hands. The sound of his voice when we talked for hours. The ring of his laughter on the better days. The cutting pain of his tears on the worse days. His music. Me dressing him up. I miss it all. I still think he is the best person I have ever been with and I am so, so proud of how far he made it.
But I am so angry at our break up, how he let me down the spiral.I started dating other guys when he was out of town, but never did anything more than a kiss. I went paranoiac about him. I threw my bag at his face..and than he asked me to leave. I had nothing but a friends couch for option, but he asked me to leave. He couldn't bare living with me anymore. He asked me to leave.
I fell ill, I lost weight and drowned myself in social life, alcohol and work...which was actually the key to success for me.
Tonigt is going to be the night. The meet up. I sent Helen to get us checked into the hotel after work and went myself to buy a large bouquet of multicoloured tulips.
One last cry in the shower before the big show.



Past participate: Stage door

The concert was wonderful. His performance was deeper and more mature, every note was sent into the air charged with an honest emotion. As he was bowing down, his manager came to us and brought us backstage. As I found myself in front of his door, Helen suddenly dissapeared with the manager and I was alone as he opened it. My oh, my, was he a treasure to see. His tight porcelain white skin showing a large smile of his perfectly straight teeth framed by soft large raspberry lips. His bright blue eyes shining fom under his blonde hair stuck to the artistic sweat on his forehead. I gave him the flowers, he brought them up to his face to smell the scent. His large nostrils opened up and his jaw muscles jumped up and down like I was used to see everytime he delighted in a perfume. He invited me in:
"Thank you for the flowers, they are delicious!"
"It's a pleasure, dear. Thank you for inviting me, I only found out today. I should fire my assistant for that!"
"It was so funny to make my manager contact your assistant, the times had changed. It's not like playing at Montreuil anymore and you're definitely not an intern in rue du Faubourg Saint-Denis."
"Those were the times!"
"There was some good about it. The small flat. A lot of sushi from my sushi shop. Some free shoes from your work..."
"And jeans, I loved those jeans! I did stop eating sushi though, for over a year. But I do have some of the best memories from that time. The pink moquette, the Habitat lamp, the white secretary, our teenage neighbour and her future gay friend singing Britney and Céline. The teracce and the occasional Japanese tourists."
"My sleeping pills!"
"Now that was the most terryfing night of my life, I was not ready, you had so amny visions!"
"It's all nice memories now. Look where we are, we are in Tokyo, both for work, it's crazy!"
"You know Aaron, I have to thank you for this. If you haven't given me the support you gave me in that year, working three jobs so that I could do my internship, I would have never made it. You gave me the chance of my life. Thank you. I'm sorry about how we ended, I'm sorry I stopped trying!"
My voice broke, and tears would get on the edge of y eyes without flowing out.
"It's good to hear that you appreciate what I did. It felt natural. I guess we both stopped trying. In the end, we were just not made to be together. But we gave a great try."
"That's what was beautiful about us. Even though we didn't fit together we tried to make it work. Nobody ever tried to make it work ever more. People give up on love so quickly!"
"There is so much love lost over pride!"
At that very moment all the feelings came back at me. His face lost in faraway thoughts a land I could never explore, as I would never be able to find the way to it.
"Aaron, I love you!"
"Oh, Jamie, I'm sorry, this is not why I called you here. I mean, I moved on. I... I am with someone, and, we are happy together!"
My heart broke for two reasons exactly, because he didn't understand the kind of love I was talking about and because this meant I was completely free of any emotional direction. I was not his anymore to love and he was not mine to dream about anymore.
"I don't mean it that way. It's just that I love who you are as a person, as an artist. I'm just happy I know you."
"You're sure? Because, I wanted to present you my boyfriend tonight. Would that be okay with you?"
"Yes, I'm totally buzzing. Can't wait to see him. Don't tell me anything. I want to make my own idea about him!"
"Are you sure you're all right with this, Jamie? I would totally understand if you said no, it's a lot to take in at once, after all these years of absence!"
"You know, today, I as I was waking up, before landing, I was just thinking that I hope one day we could just meet and being both resolved, both having our boyfriends and you know, just bump into each other and be happy about it!"
"Perfect, well, you'll see him in a few minutes, he's with my manager. We invite you for dinner. Can you wait for me while I get changed?"
"No problem, go on."
A weight was lifted, I was heartbrokenm but felt an infinite freedom and at that very moment, my phone beeped with a message:

"Hi my belated  birthday present. I'm sorry I didn't write earlier, I was in rehearsal for two days. Just got home. Miss your smile. Hope Japan is treating you well. Stay golden!"