Nocturnal elucubrations

Paris, January 2012

Early morning of 30th January, late night of 29th. In my bed. Insomniac lamentations.

He wants me to take care of myself, my dreams. He wants me to evolve...But he has no understanding of the fact that I have no will to evolve without him...Of course, I can. I have friends, I have desires...

He says he doesn't know what he wants, that he has no interests. He is fully immersed in his theater project on Claudel. I'm on a stand-by. My emotions, my need of affection and sex are on stand-by, almost turned off by this lack of interest. I'm mad at him, but in the end I am mad at myself.

My dreams are empty. My desires are absent. What is the point when he is not there? Naturally, I have ways to have fun. I have things to keep me busy. But I am fed up. I'm asking myself what can I do to awaken his passion.

Enough, playing catch me if you can, constantly swapping roles.

The useless phrase : " Run from me I will follow! Follow me I will run away!" would never before have rang so much in my ears and my soul.

I'm dreaming of running into him around the corner, at a bar, a cafe or in a club. Start all over again. Rediscover each other as two strangers. Gone the knowledge we have of each other that is so heavy on me right now.


I spent my evening stalking his blog to discover more. No use. I know him far too well, but why can't I manage to listen to him and to hear him?

The painfull question comes in again: Did I end up by constraining him too hard, just like the others? Are we doomed? Did I crush all the good there was between us by my constant doubts? Why couldn't I hear him on time? Why so much hate towards what my heart understands? Why stop my heart from receiving  what it needs and what it's getting offered honnestly  from a young and soft soul that I  brushed away by my own disbelief? What a terrible question: Why? And how to amend it?

A year ago, I was thinking of him. I was unwillingly leaving him for his own good. Nothing good came out of it. He suffered more that reasonably. So did I.

Stop wanting to change him into the one I want to have by my side and understand that it's him who I want to discover. Learn to understand, to finally see that it is him whom I want. The way he is and the way I love him already.

Because, when I think of our song "Ton grain de beauté" it suddenly comes up from my playlist and stucks on replay to remind me that I only want him.

But I want to learn to stop desiring to posses him.

The sleep is winning over me but the want is keeping me up. I am alone, but what is worse than loneliness is the fact that there is the one someone fourty minutes away from you that you cannot see because he is fed up with you. Crossing the desert on your own is not the Hell. The Hell is facing someone and being unable to see who they are, as if an invisible wall of your own hallucinations kept you from seeing him there and you end up believeng an unrealistic mirage. Is it me who haven't seen him?

I am ashamed and my fear takes over. The fear of the sentence: "It's death!" I couldn't bring death to life, but could I heal a dying flower, a dying puppy or a fragile baby from my dreams? Are we sentenced? Do we have to start all over again?

Elsewhere. With someone else.It is quite possible. But in wich degree would it be respectful of that person who made so much effort for us?

I love you to the bits. Yes, I could die because I have known you. I could die because I was loving you. I could easily give up on waking up tomorrow even though I still have so many dreams in my life, dreams that are only waiting for you to wake up from your sleepless nights...

Please, help. I only can help myself... I'm affraid I am gonna find a solution. I am affraid to give myself to nothing because I still don't trust myself. My real nature takes over. So I wait. I consume myself from the inside waiting for a sign.

As a fallen icon would say: "Hit me baby one more time!" I promise, I will be fully present this time.