John

Paris, June 2010

Philippe is gone, he took his life away.

At first, I was deeply saddened, my heart broke immediately. What a vaste, such a delicious person.

Few minutes into receiving the call, a choc came all over me. I lost all feelings. My emotions got paralyzed. I was all empty. Like if I was just listening to some local news, 'faits divers'. Disconnected.

Yet still, I can see his face, hear his voice, his slightly haughty gaze, like if he was telling me I was a lost cause. Then he would take a sip on his spicy cocktail, smirk at me sideways and go talk to someone else...

Last time I saw him, few weeks ago, he was so joyfull. It was a sunny day. I can't take it out of my head, he sounded so happy and satisfied. It was such a pleasure running into him. I was looking forward to seeing him again soon.

I didn't know him 'enough', I have no means to be able to conceive why he didn't see anymore reasons to live. I don't understand why he preferred not to exist anymore.

I cannot manage tobe sad about it, it feels like I don't know how to be sad.

Sometimes, I feel like following him, just to avoid dealing with all things human. I was never keen on assuming my responsibilities including the responsibility of willing to live.

Somewhere, deep inside, I want to live, I just cannot decide myself to do it full time yet.

Peoplesay suicide is cowardly, but I believe it must have taken him an immense amount of courage to organise everything and make sure that people wouldn't have to deal with much.

He made sure it was over for him, before anyone vould discover him.

It was a brave decision, that will forever break my heart.